The following is a forensic reconstruction of last night's date-and-switch, cobbled together entirely from texts and IMs between myself, my friends, and the offending party. Please note: for the sake of narrative some texts are out of order/edited.

Also, this is a bit long. Sorry. You can skip the parts with "dude friend" if you want a shorter version.

Cast is as follows:

Me

Lil' sis

Dude friend

exGod (my ex Dom and current friend)

Muscles

Roommates

*********************************************************************

Me—> Lil Sis. Wednesday night:

Me: I'm going on a date! Say WHAAAAAA?!?!?!!?

lil' Sis: Okay. Why are you messaging me then?

Me: I'm going on thursday. Not today.

lil' Sis: Oh.

Me: I'm just excited/anxious

L.S.: With who?

Me: Cuz I haven't been on one in forever and I'm not sure whether or not I want it to go well. Because the one with [GIRL'S NAME REDACTED] didn't count...I don't think

Advertisement

L.S.: Okay.

Me: This dude I met at work.

He's persian.

He has really nice muscles.

I can't figure out if I like his face or not because he was wearing hipster glasses that made his nose look kinda like Bert from Sesame street, but other than that he's attractive.

Advertisement

L.S.: Lol

Me: We made eye contact across the bar......then proceeded to ignore each other for the rest of the evening. Until he came up at the end, tipped me, then asked for my number.

L.S.: lol

Me: So, basically, that's my dream way of getting asked out: Really awkwardly

*************************

Me—> Dude friend. Thursday afternoon.

Me: Hey, I can't hang out this weekend. I have a naked sushi party to attend!

Also I got a date!

Him: Wut?

Also, congrats?

Explain the naked sushi though...

Me: Yeah! I mean, it's at a swinger's club so everyone will be trying to have sex with me (what else is new, right?!) and we will be eating sushi off of naked people..but regardless of the first two factors it's free! Sushi!! So you know I'm there. Lol.

Advertisement

Him: I guess the only part of that which really grosses me out is sushi...how did you get invited to this?

Me: I sign up to a lot of listservs...

Him: There's a naked sushi listserv?

Me: No, a singles events/casual dating thingy

Him: Maybe I'm a bit of a prude, but I feel like naked sushi is not a casual first date thing

Advertisement

Me: I mean it's where you go to meet people. A meat market...or in this case a fish market :p

Him: "mommy, where did you meet mommy?"

"We were eating tuna off a naked lady when our eyes met"

Me: Dude, please tell my why I am fucking late for this date

Him: Because you don't want to go in your heart of hearts due to being in love with me?

Advertisement

I can't blame you.

I am devilishly charming and handsome.

Me: I DON'T KNOW HOW TO DO THISSSSZZZZ

Him: What's this?

Me: DATING

WHAT IS DATE? HOW DATE WORK?! HOW IS BABBY FORMED? HOW GIRL GET PREGNANT?!?!

Him: Are ou on the taking out or the receiving end of said date?

Me: Receiving end.

************************************

Me—> Roommates. LATE Thursday night

Me: Heyyyyy, so I wanna bring a guest over. I know it's late and you are all probably asleep, but if it's OK lemme know. Thanks!

Advertisement

Roommate 1: Ok

Roommate 2: Ok

Roommate 3 (two hours later): OK

Me: Lol he's gone now anyway.

****************************

Me—> Girl friend/ exGod (group text). Wee hours of the morning.

Me: Guuurrrrlllll, muscles.....did not live up to expectations

Her: Boooo! Derp. I really liked that nickname :(

What happened?

Ya know it's not like his nickname's brains of steel...perhaps it was nickname destiny

Advertisement

Me: It was going really well until the train ride back up to my place. He was smart, awkward, gorgeous, etc. Like...dude looks like he stepped straight out of some romance novel. And we had a fun evening! And he kisses me and it's kinda slobbery but whatevs.

Her: But...

XG: what happened on the train?

Me: He just kept talking shit! Which I don't blame him for cuz he's from Iran, but you can't just start asking all sort of questions about black women's hair on the train ride up to a black woman's place IN A CROWDED TRAIN FULL OF BLACK PEOPLE.

Advertisement

So I was like "Shhh. You're so close. Stop talking."

XG: Oooh yeah buddy that's awkward.

....that's it?

Lol.

Me: Then we get back to my place and....his idea of foreplay is two seconds of fingering......

Advertisement

XG: :(

Me: I consider myself a pretty patient person. He was hot, we made out a bunch before we came up to my place, we talked about STDs and shit

XG: That's good

Me: But...no foreplay? Jackhammering? Slobbering all over my cheek while your hands are literally using my face as a thing to grab onto while you're jackhammering??

Advertisement

XG: *in the voice of broomhilda* Nooo no noooooo!

Her: Oy Vey! That's some high school level bullshit!

Me: NOPE. Can't even pretend beyond that point. My acting skills are good. But they ain't THAT good.

Advertisement

XG: does he think he's in a Japanese porn?

Her: Oh god jackhammering.

You have to be careful. people pleasing/sparing the male ego is not worth throwing your back out.

Advertisement

Trust me.

Me: He's a nice guy...cool guy. Just needs to learn how to take care of a lady

XG: That's really fucking awkward.

Me: Yup. Nobody came. I tried to help him out but it was obvious it wasn't happening. And he left.

Advertisement

XG: Just like that?

Me: I feel bad...but I'm not out here to teach people "How to please a pussy 101"

XG: Damn Straight.

Me: I think he got embarrassed

Him: Foreplay Foreplay Foreplay

And rightly so

I imagine he did. It's good sometimes for a guy.

Me: Welp. It was time for my regularly scheduled pap smear anyway. I'm sure it'll be fine, but I'm pissed I put my pussy on the line for that!

Advertisement

He didn't even TOUCH my clit

XG: Kinda got that

Me: I brought out the lube and he was like "I don't need that"

XG: Don't fucks with those types

Me: And I was all "It ain't about you"

XG: Fuck outta here

Me: Now I got a bigg wet spot on my bed from where he got all his sweat on it, and dude left his used condom ON MY DRESSOR

Advertisement

XG: Even the floor is better than the dresser

Me: Like...I even told him where my trashcan was

Her: Noooooooo

XG: Yeah sex on a first date is bad

Me: Never doing that again.

Nope nope nope

XG: I'm really sorry.

Me: And he was talking all this shit about wanting to be an activist...equality starts at home, motherfucker.

Advertisement

He was going on and on about Dostoyevsky and shit

Meanwhile he didn't know shit about pokemon

XG: lol

Me: Sorry. Thanks for listening to me vent.....

WOAH WOAH WOAH I think he might actually be pissed at me!

Her: Whaaaa?!?!?!

XG: what?!

Me: I just sent him this text "I still think you're a really really cool guy. Just remember: foreplay is everyone's friend. Also, if we can both get over our embarrassment I'd like to be friends someday. Seriously."

Advertisement

Her: wow. Fucking classy as hell.

let me guess: no response?

Me: Muscles said "Babe, remember that getting wet is everyone's friend."

Her: Wait is that what HE SENT BACK!?!?!?

XG: Did he basically just get his shit together and leave your place in a mild hurry?

Advertisement

Me: Yup.

XG: He wanted to bail so he did. Don't fux with that.

Me: I wrote back "I'm sorry?"

Muscles goes: "I don't know why I should be embarrassed about anything"

Her: WOAH no no nope WTF

Me: I said "Well I'm glad you aren't then. I was worried, but if you aren't then never mind. Gnight."

Advertisement

And muscles says "Well there was/is obviously some miscommunication here but I really don't think I need fuck lessons. No offense. I may need all sort of other lessons, true.

Her: I can't even deal with how wrong and fucked up this is. I will send you my rant to him later.

Me: Lol ok.

Now I don't even feel bad putting him on blast.

XG: he's either in denial or he just blames you. He sounded like a complete douche

Advertisement

From the first time he said no lube

also sounded full of himself

He's a fool

You can do so much better than that joke

Her: I will encourage you to reevaluate and rip him a new asshole bc he was SHITTY to you and he may inflict this bullshit on other women and it actually would be good for him to know womp womp

Advertisement

Me: It was absurd. It was a complete bait and switch of "awkward, progressive, idealistic, sensitive hot dude" to "arrogant hipster high school-er"

Yeah.....I don't think I'm ready to date again.

I really wanted to be ready....

*************************************

Me—> Dude friend. A few hours ago.

Me: .... AND the whole thing was over in 45 minutes.

Him: Awwww that sounds rough. Where did you find this guy?

Me: He was a customer at work. Asked me out.

Him: Man. You clearly need a tougher screening process haha

Me: He seemed so promising!

Him: Tougher. Screening. Process.

Me: Yeah. I know he's a foreigner, but when he said he didn't know about Pokemon that should've told me everything

Advertisement

Him: It should have. That was a global phenomenon.

Me: Dude's from Tehran...they probably have Pokemon in Tehran

Him: They probably have ACTUAL real Pokemon in Tehran

Me: (Facebook thumbs up)

Well.............at least there's nudie sushi tonight.

********************FIN******************************