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My Awesome Review of Man of Steel, The New Superman Movie, Broken Down Chronologically By The Random Thoughts In My Brain

Mild spoilers, but seriously who doesn't know what happens in this movie?

Illustration for article titled My Awesome Review of Man of Steel, The New Superman Movie, Broken Down Chronologically By The Random Thoughts In My Brain

Pacific Rim Trailer - So Battleship sucked and Tranformers sucked why not combine the two? Awesome. Should I eat my nachos now or wait until the movie starts? I hate running out of snacks before the actual movie starts. That's why the put so many of these damn trailers before the movie, so you run out and have to go buy more before the movie starts. It's a conspiracy of Big Popcorn.

-Monsters University Trailer- I really want to go see this movie. If I go alone without any kids, will people just think I'm a weirdo? Maybe I could sneak in, and sort of hang near the back, just keeping my head down and looking around to make sure no one is watching me. That way I won't look weird.


World War Z Trailer- My nachos are getting cold.

First ten minutes of the movie- Good, the nachos only got cold around the edges. Looks like the rest of them are OK. Whoa Russel Crowe sporting neckbeard. I wonder if he would date me? Like if he wasn't Russel Crowe and he was just like 'Russ' who worked at the Safeway? We'd hit it off, yeah? But then seriously, why would I want to date a stocky Australian neckbeard guy who works at Safeway. HAHAHA HEY ITS ZOD!!! ALL HAIL ZOD. KNEEL BEFORE ZOD!!! ALL KNEEL BEFORE ZOD!!! I cannot wait until this guy says that!!


Next ten minutes of the movie - Now they are definitely cold. Damnitt. I guess I'll just eat some Milk Duds.

About 35 minutes in - WHOA THAT IS PRETTY AWESOME. They gave me an extra cheese cup with my nachos!!! I've never seen that before!! This movie is turning out so great!


About 37 minutes in - What is this guy's name? The guy playing Superman? Bob??? Bob Something. No, no one hot and young in Hollywood is named 'Bob' anymore, you idiot. They all have good names like 'Ryan' or 'Logan' or whatever. Bob. What the hell is wrong with me? No wonder the girls in the intern pool don't ever ask me to come with them to Chili's on Fridays.

About 45 minutes in-KNEEL BEFORE ZOD!! Say it, dude!! Come oooooonnnnnnn, say it!!!! OMG HEY—-Zod is the creepy guy from Boardwalk Empire! Holy shit! KNEEL BEFORE AGENT VAN ALDEN!!! HAHAHA best movie ever!


About 60 minutes in-I should go get more nachos. But then everyone I walk by in the aisles is going to be all 'OMG did she go get more nachos, JESUS LADY it's just a movie, we're not stocking up on rations before a nuclear fallout.'

84 minutes in- HAHA Kal-El. That's what Nicholas Cage named his kid. That kid's got to be totally fucked up.


104 minutes in- I just realized I've seen Christopher Meloni's penis. And now I cannot stop thinking about that.

120 minutes in- Did the guy next to me just fart? Is he doing the 'fart during the big explosion' thing to cover it up? Gross. Also, smart thinking.


140 minutes in-ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING? No 'KNEEL BEFORE ZOD'??? This is bullshit! I want my money back. I'm writing a letter. Wait—a letter? Seriously? WTF. Those interns probably have grandmothers that are hipper than me.

141 minues in - 'Hipper'??? Oh great.

After the movie- Hey, there's a Taco Bell. I should stop and get some nachos.

OK, so all in all, I give this movie 4 Nachos. It had some really good action scenes and plus I got that free cheese pack, so I say OSCAR CONTENDER!

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