Trigger warnings: Post completely about weight and body image.

Me and my body have had a love/ grudging acceptance relationship for most of my life. Today, I am loving it for its strength and health and capabilities. But I am not happy with the amount of pounds/ kilos it weighs. Nor am I happy about my growing gut and fupa, both of which are becoming increasingly difficult to hide.

I think what frustrates me the most is my lack of control over it.

From the mid of 2013 until November of 2014, my life has been on a rollercoaster. I moved to another country, fired from my job there, fought a court case with my former employer, became homeless (which forced me to sleep in store front that was being used as storage and had no heat), and fired from another equally exploitative employment situation. In short, my life has been pretty difficult.

During this time, my main concern was survival, so I ate as much as I could when I had the chance. But I was active and even hiking every day as part of my former job responsibilities. My meals were fuel that my body needed. Plus, I used my bike as transportation because it was cheaper than paying for the train and I absolutely love my bike.

But all was not healthy and I think the stress really affected me more that I realized at the time. I noticed hair loss about two months ago, which I am almost certain was caused by my adventures since I have never experienced it before. My beauty regime was none. I bathed when and where I could (which was pretty regularly) and made sure I was presentable. But no makeup or any extra steps.

Now, I have a stable job, and a stable place to live. I’m working towards moving to my own place in a few months. With this new adult lifestyle and free energy to dedicate to making myself pretty, I realized how much I neglected myself. I’m learning to eat like a non-vagrant, but I don’t know what to do about my weight. I work with kids and have to eat breakfast and lunch with them. The food my job serves is good and wholesome, but very carb heavy. And sometimes rich. Like, they served marscapone with cinnimon and sugar as dessert yesterday.

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Plus, I had to stop riding my bike because I live too far and it would take me two hours to get to work. So now I commute and my major source of exercise is gone. I travel 3 hours total everyday just to get to work and I am too tired to exercise when I get home. I wanted to do some yoga yesterday, but spent 2 hours on the phone with my mom and then had to go to bed if I wanted to be functional today. I wake up most mornings at 5, so exercise before work is out of the question.

I know once I move closer to the city and I can ride my bike, things will fall back into place. But until then, I’m chubby, and squishy, and frustrated.