I've already posted today. My apologies. And this post doesn't go into a lot of detail because I'm exhausted from crying for hours.
But basically, I have clinical depression. It was triggered by a bad medical diagnosis, though I have a history of self-harm and mild depression, so I definitely am a prime candidate. Anyway, I've tried to tell my boyfriend about it but he has been brushing me off with platitudes. Today we finally really talked about it. I also expressed my frustration with his resistance to accepting it and understanding me.
Then he explodes (this is FB chat, btw, I know VERY smart) about how his mom has depression and he does get it but he doesn't like confronting it because his mom's depression wrecked his parents' marriage (during childhood; they are fine now). He also said he didn't know how serious my depression was.
Then he says he has serious doubts about our relationship. He says we don't have to break up now or even in a few days (Thank God because my birthday is Thursday—YAY ME—and we won't get to talk for four days because he's in India) but we need to have a talk, "big time," when we get back to school.
Cue me expressing combination of "Are you serious? I was just so vulnerable with you and now you're doing this" and "Please don't do this. I need you in my life. I care about you. Cue him expressing combination of "I think it would be best for both of us" and "I didn't like it when you said I didn't understand your situation. It made me feel like an idiot and my a cappella friends make me feel like an idiot so I don't appreciate that."
(re: the second statement, WHAT THE FLYING FUCK? WHO BRINGS UP A CAPPELLA FRIENDS AT A TIME LIKE THIS?)
I'm not proud of myself for pleading, but I'm ill (asymptomatic form of serious disease; currently undergoing treatment), I'm in a foreign country with few friends, I'm depressed, and this was my first "functional" (HAH I LAUGH AT THE TERM NOW) relationship.
I know we're young. I know he's scared. Maybe he's scared because he understands more about depression than I know.
But I haven't asked him for a lot. And as hard as it is to date someone with this, it's harder to live it.
I used to think he was so sweet and kind—and he is—but apparently he cannot stand by me when the going gets tough. I thought that being clear and honest about my current condition would bring him closer and instead he's running away.
I don't know what will happen. Hopefully we will skype as soon as he gets back from India. Part of me wants to rip his heart out since he has ripped mine and break up with him since he has hurt me. The other admits I am in a weakened state and I don't want to lose him yet.
I feel rejected for who I am and doomed to be alone. I feel hurt by someone who I thought cared about me and I don't think I can ever forgive him. I blame myself too. I fear I am incapable of being loved because I am a burden to others.
I hate this. I hate this. I hate this.