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My Broken Brain

(depression, stress)

My brain is an asshole sometimes.

Last week sucked. Mr GV and I are on opposite schedules and I didn't see him for days (he isn't allowed to have his phone on during work hours, either, so no texting). Our cat is sick and we've been really worried about her, but it's hard to communicate about her in real-time. I also had to fork over part of my rent money for a car repair. I had to completely drain my meager paid time off bank to wait for said car repair. I had to work late several nights and go in early one morning. Thursday was an 11 hour day and I was totally depleted by the time I went to bed. Friday I was almost a total wreck and nearly lost it when something urgent came up during my lunch. I was on the verge of tears most of the day.


Saturday I was minimally functional, but there wasn't anything expected of me, so I didn't do anything. Yesterday I finally realized that my mood had been spiraling down for days (see above). I almost begged off MiL's birthday yesterday because I felt like I'd be a giant wet blanket. I knew if I went I'd be glad I did, and I was, but I burst into tears when we got home. Mr GV listened while I talked my way through it and I appreciated being able to tell him what was going on. He hasn't seen me depressed before. I take medication that keeps it in check, but a major disappointment will break my "give-a-shitter." It doesn't get this bad very often, maybe once a year or less, but life grinds to a screeching halt in my head. It's just a bunch of NOPE.

I woke up this morning when the alarm went off and I nearly fell apart from having to be awake (though I had nightmares last night - VERY unusual). I don't care about anything other than hiding what's going on and pretending that I have things together. At work the only thing that gets shit done is that I don't want a talking-to. It's never happened and it's very unlikely, but that's all I can think of. Then there are the waterworks that will randomly threaten to burst through the dam of my resolve to keep going. At home, bare minimum parenting and superstar couch-potato. Reminding Little GV about her homework and negotiating with her about cleaning the rats' cage was exhausting.

It doesn't hang around as long as it used to, so I know it will leave in a few days. I decided to force myself to do a couple of things for myself, even though I REALLY didn't want to. It was unexpectedly beautiful and warm today, so I made myself leave the building for 20 or so minutes, and I had a salad with my lunch to make sure I get my 4 servings/day. I texted with one of my closest friends (20-something years) who knows all my stuff and with Mr GV (until he went to work) because I NEED human contact to tether me to reality.


I'll probably go to bed in a couple hours and wake up to see a crashed MrGV. If I'm lucky enough of his noggin will be exposed for me to smooch before I take the young'un to school. Maybe yesterday/today will be the worst of it.

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