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First, I wanted to thank you guys for giving me a platform and listening (or the reading equivalent) when I needed to vent out all the thoughts running through my head. The night I found out, I couldn’t turn my brain off to get any sleep. But writing out all the thoughts running through my head really helped.

The service is tomorrow and I’m nervous. Like everything has been so far, it’s gonna be so weird. But hopefully it will help us all move forward. I participated in one of the phone calls to try to plan the ceremony a bit but am not sure where a lot of things that were up in the air landed. There was talk of an open mic. I said I couldn’t know until the moment whether I would be able to speak, but I wrote something out just in case.

In the last two weeks, I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about things that [Brother] will never get to do. But I’ve also spent a lot of time thinking about things I’m glad he did get to do. So today, and going forward, I want to try to focus on those.

First, I’m so glad that [he] got to be loved by so many people.

I’m glad that he got to see the world. I’m glad he got to play with legos at Legoland. That he got to go rafting in Cost Rica. That he got to eat crepes in Paris, and touch the stones of Stonehenge.

I’m glad that he got to make those Claymation movies.

I’m glad that he could teach me to play Monkeyball and Super Smash Brothers and Dance Dance Revolution.

I’m glad that he got to read Douglas Adams, and for that time we bought the Ultimate Hitchhiker’s Guide for ourselves and then wrapped it up and put it under the Christmas tree with our presents to really confuse our dad.

I’m glad he was able to get a degree in something that really interested him, and that he was able to use his degree and his knowledge, which many people are never fortunate enough to do.

I’m glad he got to enjoy biking, and skateboarding, and wakeboarding and snowboarding. And that he invented “skurfing” and taught me how. Even though, in retrospect, it seems really dangerous and was probably a terrible idea.

I’m glad he got to know my husband, because they had a lot in common. And that he could be there at our wedding.

I’m glad that he got to watch Jessica Jones.

Most of all, I’m glad that we were able to get together for Thanksgiving and that we had such a great night together one last time.


But despite the opening, I’m still thinking a lot about the things he won’t get to do. I mentioned in another thread that I got upset watching SHIELD this week. We had talked about whether they would rescue the astronaut soon, and he’ll never get to know it turns out he was right. I read on Facebook that Season 5 of Arrested Development is in the works, and my first thought was that I wished he would have been able to see that.

I’ve decided I want to wear his jacket tomorrow. He had this jacket when he was little, and a few years ago we were going through the attic and I tried it on and now it fits me like a shrug. It’s one of my favorite jackets, but I don’t wear it often because it is 3/4 length sleeves on me so the weather has to be just right for it. I actually think the weather tomorrow is going to be perfect for it.

I think I may need to cut the tag out though. I used to think it was hilarious because it was such a random thing to put on the tag of a jacket. But since he died of an accidental overdose it’s horribly ironic and pretty morbid.


It’s a very colorful thing to wear to a funeral, so I ran it by my parents and they both seemed on board with the idea.


The Portal cuff-links I bought for him for Christmas came in the mail this week. I think my husband is going to wear them tomorrow.

My dad said he has filled out some paperwork for me but I need to sign it. I guess it’s about his life insurance. It’s so strange and feels terrible.


We went through his stuff some (my dad cleaned out his house and brought all of his things home to sort through), and picking out some things to remember him by was nice. But then there were the more practical things, and that was so weird. I had told my dad I needed to buy an external CD drive for my laptop, and he just handed me my brother’s. It looks like he practically just bought it. There’s a sticker on it that says “Manufactured June 2015.” And we were planning on putting together a nice gaming computer for my husband for Christmas, but my brother had one with some of the exact parts we were going to buy, and some even nicer than we would have bought. It feels like grave-robbing. But obviously it would be stupid not to take it.

I thought the weirdest part of this might be that I might move on too fast, because I didn’t see or think about my brother that much. But I’m realizing I thought about him a lot more than I realized.


Thanks for listening again.

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