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My Dog

I love my dog, but sometimes she does things that drive me crazy. A little background. For the past couple of weeks I've noticed that she has a cough. A couple of times a day she'll have a little coughing fit that ends in her making a sound like she's going to throw up, but she doesn't. At first I thought it was her coughing up things she had eaten, which is a very common thing for her to do. Everything goes right in the mouth. But, it's been getting more and more frequent. I need to take her to the vet, but haven't been able to because I've been unemployed for a long time - long enough that my benefits have completely run out, and I've been living on what little money I was able to scrape up. However, I start a new job on Monday (yay!), and I just sold my house and have a little money in the bank, so I've been planning on a vet visit this coming week. I'm really worried about her health, and (not to sound unsympathetic) a little worried about how much this will cost me. The last time she had to go in she ended up having a surgery on her intestines, which cost about $3,000. Luckily my ex's mother paid for the surgery because she knew I wasn't working. (She's an amazing lady - seriously. I had already broken up with Ex almost a year before this surgery, so she had no reason to help me out) But, at least I'm now in a position where I can handle an unexpectedly large vet bill.

Cut to last night. RedLinePartner and I come back to my place and hang out for a bit before going to friends' house for dinner and game night (this is what happens when you get old, youg'uns - game night). When we left RLP left his over-night bag on a chair in the living room. I didn't think anything of it because RedLineDog isn't a chewer at all. She has never chewed anything in the twelve years I've had her. We come home after a lovely evening (and lots of wine) and as soon as we walk into the house RLP says "Oh fuck." I look at where he's standing and there are two little pools of blood on the living room floor. It's obvious from the blood pattern that RLD has coughed up blood (I've seen CSI, so I'm an expert). I am immediately overcome with guilt - I should have taken her to the vet sooner, this is all my fault, my dog is going to die. It's 3:00am, and I'm pretty tipsy, so I certainly can't drive her to an emergency animal hospital, which is a thing that I don't even know if it exists. I decide in the morning I'm going to Google this and take her to see a doctor. I laid in bed all night tossing and turning, worrying about my poor baby who is seemingly dying of consumption, like a heroine in a Tolstoy novel. At least, I worried and tossed and turned until I passed out from having consumed more wine that any human probably should.


When I woke up this morning a thought made its way through the haze I was in. The blood on the floor last night was pretty bright red. Bright red blood generally means surface cut, not blood from internal lung bleeding, right? At least, that's the "fact" that is in my head. RLP and I are talking, and he's feeling gross from having eaten too much cake and booze over the past weeks (not only did we have Christmas and New Years, but his birthday is smack in the middle of those two holidays, which means we've essentially been attending a bacchanalia for the past two weeks), and he decides he's going to throw away all the sweets in the house and starting eating healthy! Whatever, we'll see how long that lasts. Anyway, he gets up to do this, and I'm still thinking about my poor dog, and her consumption, and how I'm going to get her to a vet on a Sunday, if there is even one available. I'm in Chicago, and as many of you probably know we had a Snowpocalypse last night, so driving anywhere in the city is a no-go. Suddenly I hear "Wait a minute, wait a minute!" from the living room. In his frenzy to rid the house of sweets he decided to throw away the bag of chocolate covered gummi bears he had stashed in his overnight bag. Can you see where this is headed? The gummi bears are missing. He goes to the trash can and looks in, pulls out a chewed up plastic bag that he had apparently thrown away last night, not realizing what it was (he had had quite a bit of wine too). It was, of course, the bag that previously had housed the gummi bears. RedLineDog had apparently pulled the gummis out of RedLinePartner's bag and binge ate them. I imagine her running around the apartment in a sugar-rush, much like Buster Bluth after too many juice boxes. It then dawns on me that the reason the "blood" was so bright red is because it was blood at all - it was Karo syrup with red food coloring: gummi bears. My dog basically threw up stage blood. Though I'm relieved she's fine, I know I still need to get her cough looked at. I love her, but I'll still be shaking my fist at her for a couple of days...

TL;DR: my dog is an asshole.

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