Welcome To The Bitchery
Welcome To The Bitchery

My Dream Last Night Had *Everything*!

I was in Texas. Why? I don’t know, I live in MD and have no TX connection, save for the good folks around this parts who write from the Lone Star State.

Anyway, I lived/hung around this roadside country store for supplies. Supplies for what? THE ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE.


Yessssssssss! And it was a realistic zombie apocalypse — only the freshly dead were a problem (b/c heat + dead flesh = quick rot to bones) and they were sloooooow. And so obvious.

Still, infrastructure and society had taken a beating and times were kinda tough.


And who is part of my crew as we make our way through this new normal? Helen Fucking Mirren. Except she isn’t Helen Mirren — she is literally Queen Elizabeth II.

How did Queen Elizabeth end up in Texas during the zombie apocalypse? WHO. CARES?! She was my buddy and she was adjusting. For instance, I taught her to chill out and not be offended if someone put their back to her. And I told her she needed to hug people b/c human contact was all we had left in this crazy, mixed-up, walking dead world.


And, yeah, she had a gun.

In summary: Zombies and Helen Mirren as QEII. In Texas.


Illustration for article titled My Dream Last Night Had *Everything*!

Share This Story

Get our newsletter