My ex is back from tour in a few days. He's going to be working in the same place as me, although I might not see him, but now there is always the possibility of running into him.
The last time I saw him in person he said he was going to his mum's, and he moved out while I was at work.
I didn't think I would still be here when he came back. I thought I would have rebuilt my life somewhat by now.
There is this line in Tree of Life that always really got me: 'If you don't love, your life will pass by in an instant.'
The last few months have passed by in an instant.
I feel like I have been working hard, but very little has changed.
I've been reaching out to friends, and trying to rebuild old friendships, which didn't go very well for the most part.
I've been working and applying for work, and researching new fields and taking classes, but I'm still at my old crappy job.
I've been going to therapy, and reading resources and practicing them, and going running a lot.
And I have definitely had some breakthroughs. Using cardio to lift mood, that was a big one. Positive self talk.
And the fact that a person's behaviors and attitudes can change - that those people who are kind and generous and fun to be around got that way through work, and not just luck and genetics.
I just get angry sometimes too, at myself and my circumstances. I get now a bunch of stuff I wish I got to learn so much earlier, in my teens, in childhood. I went down so many roads that led nowhere, and for far too long.
There's a John Cheese article on habits a person develops when growing up in a dysfunctional family, and it linked to this:
And that description is still me, spot on. I thought I had worked on myself, and got past those issues, and there they still are.
Finding a job and a place to live and some new friends in half a year doesn't seem like that much of a stretch, so I'm still doing something wrong, and I'm not sure what it is.
I want to hope that what I'm doing this time really is different.
I want to thrive and not just survive.
It just hurts to hope sometimes.
(I'm sorry to be such a downer. Here is a baby seal: