Welcome To The Bitchery

My first Groupthink post and of course it's relationship problems.

I don't want to talk about this with my friends / family (who've heard it all before) so I am coming to you guys for help. Warning, it's kind of long. But I could really use some advice.

So I have been with my boyfriend for 6 + 1/2 years. We're in our 30s. We met when we both lived in New York, and I was very open about the fact that while I loved New York, I was not willing to live there long term. I want to buy a house, I want to live closer to my family, etc. etc. etc. He is one of those "New York is just THE GREATEST place in the world" people, but agreed with me that Philadelphia was a reasonable compromise. 3 years ago, I moved to Philadelphia for graduate school, and the expectation was that he was going to follow. We picked out my apartment (and later on a little house) together, picked out furnishings together, he referred to the house as "our" house. I felt we were on the same page, otherwise I would have ended things when I left for grad school.

So - 3 + 1/2 years later, I am still in Philly. He is not. He has one of those "only exists in New York" kind of jobs, and while I have encouraged him to try to look outside his field for jobs that are tangentially related, I have been understanding of the fact that he does not want to give up his career in New York for something that would be a huge step down for him.


But now, he has been offered a big eventual career bump at his job in New York if he stays there, and is trying to act like that changes things. And it has made him completely reluctant to apply to any job in Philadelphia that is not 100% perfect. He's now trying to get me to concede to moving back to New York when I finish grad school. Which I don't want to do. And I also am not up for 4 more years long distance.

I'm feeling pretty angry at this point. The career bump was something that we always kind of knew was the potential end game of his job, and it's something I felt he had said goodbye to when he agreed to Philly. I feel like he's using it to change the game at the 11th hour. He keeps asking me to keep an open mind, but I don't feel like he is being very open, since he won't even apply to jobs down here. I don't really know what to do.

On top of all of this, I've had some pretty horrific life stuff going on that he has been wonderfully supportive during. My father has a very aggressive form of cancer, I've had to take time off from school as a result, I found out that I have a pretty severe health condition of my own - through all of that happening in the span of less than 6 months, he has been a rock. So I have kind of let things hang in this weird limbo because I need him and he has been helping.

Anyway, sorry that was so long. I could use some objective eyes here. Am I being unreasonable? Is he? Is there any way to fix this so that one of us doesn't end up resentful of the other, or is it doomed? Thanks in advance!

Share This Story