In today's, non-requested, divorce update: I'm starting to feel better. I should note that I loved Mr. Bright Eyes, but I was so horribly depressed and isolated (not even 50% his fault) that moving has been such a relief for me.
I feel pretty good emotionally. I'm at the 50-50 ledge, where 50% of the time I feel awesome and the other half not so great. I know to not expect it to stay here and for shit to jump around for months to come.
I picked out a new toothbrush without crying yesterday (I even bought the two pack Mr. BE and I always got and I'm going to use BOTH). I went out the other night to see a friend. I did cry on the way home, but not out of control sobbing. My dad's need to leave country music with songs about heartbreak on in his CD player may have fueled this :-D
I read Barley's post she wrote about getting over her first love and an excellent advice piece from the Hairpin daily (I'm on my phone so I can't see who gave it to me- I'll link in the comments). It honestly helps.
As the nerves, fear and anxiety leave my mind they seem to drift to my stomach. I'm still taking my anti-anxieties to eat anything. But, the days are getting better!
I pick up my stuff this weekend and see Mr. Bright Eyes for the first time in three (or four?) weeks. It's going to be rough. But here's some honesty I found yesterday:
I love Mr. BE. I'm not sure I've been in-love with him for awhile. I think the same goes for him. Our words and actions said one thing, but I've come to think it was more out of fear of losing a best friend, someone you love. Also, the fear-level of being alone and starting over. Mr. Bright Eyes had a huge responsibility placed upon him with my health issues and we clung together because that's how we'd made it through in the past. I'd bet if I have to have surgery again in the future, he'd be just as willing to hold my hand and be there.
So finally, I need your help. I'm starting over. I'm always going to want to be Rainbow, but should I change "Bright" or "Eyes"?
I know "Mr. Bright Eyes" is retired. He will always be my 1st husband. He gets to keep it because he deserves nothing less.
We'll have to come up with a name for the next person in my life, when that issue arises.
I love you all dearly for reading this mess.