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My Heart is So Dumb

I have feelings for someone I don't want to have feelings for. Someone I'm attracted to but don't want to be attracted to. It's weird and it's awkward and it makes me cry.

This person is my best friend. They're the best friend I've ever had.

We met on a dating site. I was bored and lonely, so I made my first account on my first dating site. They were one of the first people who messaged me there. We had so much in common, but there was one major hurdle that meant we wouldn't work out so we became friends. Due to scheduling conflicts, we could only see each other a few hours every other week, and despite the fact that I am the most guarded person ever, we were open and honest about our friend-feelings and things were great.


But I had pants feelings for this person. And I let them know it. So we tried dating.

It did not go well.

They became very distant, and our texting became less-than-daily and increasingly dry. Sexy times (what few there were) became increasingly awkward. I was worried that I may be seeing the dreaded slow fade, and from someone I adored. I contemplated having the let's-be-friends talk. Luckily, they beat me to the punch. We had the awkward talk and things went back to how they were before. Better, even. Texting went back to a daily thing, we played mobile games, shared jokes, had deep conversations. They introduced me to important people in their life and talked about events they wished to show me and places they wanted to take me. I had my best friend back, and it was wonderful.

But I still have feelings for this person.

I don't want to be with this person romantically. Not consciously, anyway. In the brief time before things got weird, I was unhappy with the new relationship. I very rarely got to see this person. They're not anywhere near as affectionate as I want, and it was very clear that I was too affectionate for this person. There's still the afore mentioned major hurdle that I could live with if I had to, but would resent after too long. Then the weirdness started and I was risking losing the best thing in my life. I'm glad things went back to how they were. They're the most wonderful person I've every met and I'm incredibly thankful to have them in my life. Things are so much more natural and easy now that we're platonic.


But I'm still in love with them. And it sucks. I'm crying, and it's so stupid.

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