This is a post that I'm terrified to write, but I'm doing it anyway. CN: mentions of rape, substance abuse, and body image issues.

My life is a clusterfuck right now. My marriage is going down the shitter, my mental and physical health are shot, and I'm not living the life I want to live. This must change. I know that the previous statement is true, that if I don't make changes my life will continue to get worse. I'm afraid of taking the steps to make it happen, but I'm going to list them here anyway in the hope that it will give me some kind of accountability. I'm embarrassed of my actions so maybe telling people about them will be incentive not to repeat them.

1. I need to stop drinking. I was drinking heavily when I was raped three years ago (which doesn't make it my fault, obviously) and I drank heavily to deal with it rather than talk to anyone about it. After I told my spouse six months later, I still drank to deal with it and then it just became a thing that I did, drink every night. I blacked out at my brother-in-law's wedding in front of my spouse's entire family. I don't remember the last 4 hours of the wedding and that's unacceptable. I am ashamed. It's time to stop. It's not making my life any better other than "Hey, I don't have to deal with feelings".

2. Since the rapes I've gained a lot of weight and lost a lot of muscle strength. I'm not going to list the number because it's irrelevant but it's enough that some of my medications aren't working as well as I need them to. I don't fit into most of my clothes. I don't like how I look. I feel more vulnerable in public because I'm not as strong as I used to be. I am resolving to go to the university gym and do some form of exercise twice a week for an hour. My diet has been horrible due to money and time. I am going to use the money I would have spent on alcohol on food and cooking items, and I will cook at home more often.

3. I have been avoiding pretty much all introspection for the last three years. Bottling up my feelings has become unhealthy. The only way for me to stop drinking is to actually process my feelings, since that's my main trigger. Tomorrow, I will call the university counseling center to set up an intake appointment and start counseling and attend appointments as frequently as they have the resources for.

4. I will re-prioritize my marriage. I know I've posted a bit about some of my issues. I've come to the realization that while my spouse has (many) flaws, my marriage will be destroyed not by his faults but by my lack of open (or really any) communication about my needs. I always told him that I didn't want our marriage to be like my parents' marriage. It's fucking there right now, where we never talk about anything real and ignore our issues and just stay together because it's convenient and we were in love in the past. If I'm not willing to at least try to do my best to be the best spouse I can be, I might as well just get divorced right now. The issues in our relationship could be solved by me changing my actions. So, I will change how I interact with my spouse, starting with open and honest communication both about the relationship itself and the rest of my life.

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Thank you for reading this. I hope I'm able to make these changes. I'm really, really scared. I don't know if I have the strength or the courage to do these things. I don't want to live like this anymore, I know that for certain. I don't like admitting that I have problems. I'm the "stable one" in all of my relationships, whether they be romantic, platonic or familial. I'm afraid to not be the okay one. Or rather, I'm afraid for everyone else to know that I'm not the okay one.

Hopefully writing all this down will be the first step to changing things. Thanks for reading.