So, recently, Schroeder has been teasing me about being Elsa, from Frozen. (Long story. Many text conversations. Somehow we went from Princess, to Ice Princess, to Ice Queen, to Elsa, to the current snow covering the ground is my fault and why won't I let the summer come? Because I don't have a sister to show me the power of true love, silly.) To the point of downloading "Let It Go" onto his phone to play when I walk into the room.
Really, it's not a bad theme song for me the past several months. I spent so long keeping the fact that my marriage was falling apart from so many people. "Conceal; don't feel"? I was all about it. Still am. Except I called it compartmentalizing. But now it's common knowledge and I'm on my own and I've spent some time reveling in my freedom and power.
And I'm still totally in that head-space. Absolutely. I am free and powerful and want to keep that feeling.
But the thing is, there's only so long I can just revel in it. I'm ready to move on. I want to go to grad school. I want to make this place really and truly feel like a home (most of the place is a god-forsaken mess right now, but it is unpacked and set up as a home. But in my room? I'm still mostly living out of boxes and sleeping on a yard sale twin mattress and frame. That needs to change if I'm going to feel like I'm truly at HOME.) Eventually, I would like to start doing that scary thing called dating (yes, yes, we all know there's one person I would like to be snuggling with, but even if that's what he wants too, don't I kind of want to play the field a bit?
I never did the dating thing before, not really, and idk I kinda wanna. I'm sure that feeling will pass after two bad dates.) And there's a general feeling of my whole life being temporary and I want to be able to feel settled.
But there are several things holding me back from that. First, I have to get all my financials and the foreclosure of the house, etc., squared away so that I am no longer financially connected to my husband. Which means I'm going to be in a bad way for credit for a while, which is going to affect possibilities for paying for grad school and a whole host of other junk. Bah. But getting to the point of having my credit ruined will be a GOOD thing, because it means I'm on the road to fixing it. Also, I really don't think I'll be able to feel at all settled about anything in my life until I have that lovely piece of paper in my hands that says I am no longer Mrs. Shiny Red Asshole. (You are all invited to the party I will throw for myself on that day. Just be sure to tell the guy at the door that you're from the internet.) I WILL be taking back my maiden name.
So, I have a new theme song:
And I'm going to remember that the only person who can get my life started is ME.
I wonder if Schroeder will let me call him Eugene?