I don't want coming out to her to be like this: combative, over the phone, repeating the conversation for my dad. It's not a conversation I'm looking forward to anyway, obviously: I've known I was queer for five years now and everyone knows but my folks. I don't think they'll reject me or stop loving me. I just think my mom will say "I love you anyway."

And I'm bi, I'm femme — she'll say "I didn't mean women like you." Because being nonthreatening and not-queer-enough is a compliment, apparently.

Or she'll feel guilty, and I can't deal with her feeling guilty, because I have to manage her guilt over hurting me instead of dealing with the hurt. I don't want a conversation that should be celebratory to be about how I suck as a daughter for not keeping the knowledge of how she sucks as a mother a secret from her. I don't want it to hurt either one of us.

GT, I just don't know. Fuck.