(Scene: My mother's formal living room, where we are all lounging after eating our weights at a Fish Fry. My husband is dozing off and Mama, Carlos is tinkering on her phone while I try to get Baby, Carlos to nap)

Mama, Carlos: Bingo, why does Sally always put a colon and a parentheses at the end of her texts?

Me: It's a smiley face. (I turn her phone) See?

M,C: Really? (gives me major side-eye) Really? Why do you do this?

Me: It's just a smiley face. If you use the other parentheses it's a sad-face.

M,C: That is really stupid. Are you kidding me? It doesn't even look like a face.

Me: No, and this is a surprised face.

M,C: It looks like a pig. (Beau, Carlos is laughing his ass off on the couch and proceeds to start texting her nonstop emoticons) What ARE all of these?!?

Me: This is an angry face, this is a crying face.

(She is looking back and forth between the screen and me, disdainful and disbelieving.)

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M,C: You need to get a life.

Me: It's just what people DO!

M,C: Why did he say 'you've been kissed'?

Me: That's a kissy face.

M,C: That's the most retarded one. I feel bad for you guys. You need to get a life.

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Me: Really nice, mom. They're just emoticons! I didn't invent them.

M,C: Poor Baby, Carlos, growing up with you two as parents.

Me: Mom, I never even use them!

M,C: I just really think you need to get a life.

End Scene.