I have a really good relationship with my parents most of the time, and about most things. I'm 33, I've had to borrow thousands of dollars from them in the past year because I can't find a job and have anxiety that has kept me from working as much as I could, and I'm very open with my parents about all of this.
This past week I've been sick with a motherfucking cold. So I don't feel great. My parents phoned last night (we talk several times a week), and my mom laid into me about not having done last year's taxes yet. She's been nagging me to get them done for months and months, and yes, I should have them done by now, but whatever. You'd think she'd have clued in by now that nagging me about is not what's going to make me do it. So that kind of killed the convo, then my dad and I started talking about other things, and my mom is quiet. Until she pops in with asking me if I've done these job applications that I need to do this week.
And that breaks me. I know I need to do these things, we've talked about it endlessly, just leave me alone to do them. And she goes into how she can't keep working forever (because I've borrowed money from them), and she really wants me to get a job, and I'm all I fucking know mom, I really want a job too and you know how shitty I feel about borrowing money and we've said everything that can be said about it and I'm exhausted and feeling extra shitty because I'm sick can we not talk about this right now? (I didn't swear though).
So I started crying, she apologized, but then I'm triggered. Couldn't sleep, had a panic attack last night in bed for the first time in months, woke up several times in the night (which is unusual for me lately), and now today I can't stop crying and I feel even shittier because I couldn't sleep and had horrible dreams when I did manage to slip into a light doze.
And I had all these fun things I was going to do this weekend (Toronto Comicon, GT meetup!!) but now it just seems so overwhelming to think about trying to get to Toronto and asking my cousin if I can stay at her place and I don't know if I'll make it to work today because I can't stop crying so I really should just work all weekend...
And my mom tells me to go to Toronto to do this stuff so that I have some social interaction but she also wants me to be a responsible adult and not borrow money and I just want to scream or go to sleep for the rest of the day.
fucking fuckity fuck shitty shit day be over already