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My mother was mentally unwell for most of my adolescence and unchecked by my dad, who worked 80+ hours a week for most of the decade. They both have lingering codependence issues that keep things lively, but things have been generally better.

In the last few months, Mom and I have slipped into some of our old dynamic. It’s too complex to really explain in a post, and the details at any given point make us both sound like brats, but there’s a lot of battle-of-the-will and listening to just the bits that suit us.

We’re in deadlock over something completely ridiculous, but it’s making me feel pushed around and grumpy in other corners of my life. So when I called to follow up on the 4-6 week delivery of the sofa I ordered five weeks ago, I lost my temper. It will apparently ship on December 23, meaning it will be delivered 8-9 weeks after order.

I feel a little bad for being a dick to an uninvolved bystander (He was irritating in his own right, but I think on a different day I would just have sassed him and moved on). The stupid and childish part of me wants to cancel the order, but I recognize it will only result in me continuing to sit on the floor. Unfortunately, the stupid couch delay is literally the only part of this chaos I have control over.

I won’t do anything stupid, and I guess I’ll keep sitting on the floor until NYE, but I just want to act out, and scream/shouting at my parents again is a waste of energy.
I have to work late tonight and probably need to be in kind/supportive teacher mode until dinnertime tomorrow. How do you sublimate your rage over things that are never gonna change?

Gif: Me right now, trying not to rage.

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