i have wanted to make this a regular feature for sometime, though I’m not sure how regular. My neighborhood and those surrounding it use an app called NextDoor to stay in touch, warn each other about crimes that have taken place, post garage sales, etc. It occasionally devolves into hilarious political arguments which I will try to include next time. Today I am going to bring you the current, pressing, neighborhood topic being discussed:

The serious report- A sculpture of an animal (particulars removed for the protection of the loony) that is obviously a garden sculpture or a sculpture that was on a currently unknown person’s front porch was stolen, taken to another house, left on the front step and the doorbell at the “dump-site” was rung at 4:45 am. The police were called! The security camera footage from the “dump site’s” front porch is being emailed to the police department.

The consensus by the neighborhood is that the old opener for the 10 o’clock news, “It’s 10PM, do you know where your children are?” should make a come back.

“The perpetrators of this crime are obviously teenagers who have too much time on their hands and need school to start again.” [paraphrased]

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May I say: What the ever-loving-fuck? A kid rang your doorbell at 4:45AM and left an animal statue! Who gives a rat’s ass? Laugh about it! Post the picture to find out who it belongs to!

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Let me brag for a moment: I was at the top of my high school class. I spent my entire summer volunteering, reading for the AP courses I was taking in the fall and taking extra courses to boost my transcript for college. Almost everyone of my friends was busy doing the same thing. I had strict-ish parents who wanted to know where I was at all times.

You know what I was still doing in the middle of the night?! Shit just like this! Rearranging people’s front lawns. Just screwing around in the middle of the night.

I hope the police have a fucking good laugh about this and the “surveillance footage” and that the parents of the kid that did this realize that they raised their kid perfectly.