This might be rambly, I have all these things I want to get out, but it's not really ordered.
First, thank you and I'm sorry. GroupThink is my safe space and while I was thinking about all of this, I realized that I probably need a professional instead of spewing all of this here. But I don't have insurance yet, and I'm not even sure if it will be covered when I do.
I don't really know where to start. I guess the back story. I don't remember ever being happy. Not like happy moments, but happy as a person in my life. I was hospitalized for a suicide attempt when I was 15. But I've never had it hard in life. I have no reason to be this way. My parents divorced when I was two, but they get along well and were always loving toward me. I grew up solidly middle-class, my mother instilled self-confidence in me (I have the most positive body image of just about anyone I've met), and I've never suffered abuse of any kind. I didn't go to college, just worked since high school. I'm now married with two kids. We live paycheck-to-paycheck, but while we don't have money to save, we also don't get down to single digits in the bank account anymore. We don't qualify for food stamps anymore. We rent a small house, we budget to live on one income, I homeschool our oldest.
I have no reason to, but I feel broken inside. And because I have no reason, I feel guilty about it. I should be helping people who are less fortunate, not wallowing in self-pity. I hate that the kids drive me crazy all day, but when I'm lying in bed by myself at night, I just want to bring them in with me and snuggle. I hate being an extrovert who can't bring herself to leave the house for days at a time. My husband works nights, usually six days a week, and if he doesn't want to have sex on his one day off, I resent him for it. I should be grateful he's taking on our financial burden by himself so I can stay home with our kids, and I am, but do I still get to have wants? Can what I do be appreciated, even though I don't bring in money? Do I do anything worthy of appreciation? I don't keep the house spotless. I don't plan out healthy meals all the time. I don't have lesson plans every day for school. I'm slowly gaining weight and I won't do anything about it, even though I'm reaching the point where I'm uncomfortable. I let the kids watch more Netflix than I think I should, but at least I've stuck to my guns about content. I've let my productive hobbies lapse. It all seems like normal stuff, the other moms I know do stuff like that, but I don't think they hate themselves for it.
So, today is my older son's 8th birthday. My husband let him open his presents without even waking me up first. I know he wanted to get to be there for that, because of his work schedule, they don't get a whole lot of time together, but gee, maybe I wanted to be there for that too. I don't want to be in a funk all day on his birthday. I may take him out for pizza and frozen yogurt for lunch.
My goal is getting help. I would like someone to dump all this on in a way that doesn't make me feel guilty. I don't know if that's all I need or if medication should be on the table as well. I'm 31 and I've never been on any regular medication and I'm scared of it. I want to feel better, but I don't want to lose myself. I think of myself as an over-feeler. I can't watch or read the news with any regularity because it puts me in a pit. I don't think I should feel less, I think other people should feel more. I'm afraid that taking medication will make me numb instead of depressed and I don't think that's better.
Ugh, guys. I'm sorry. I like to be happy, I like being witty with you all. I would rather be posting something important or funny or a call to action, but this is just bubbling over today and I need to get it out.
(While searching for an image, I discovered that the internet hates mediocrity. Because everyone can be exceptional, right?)