So guys...I never ever elaborated on how my FUCK IT FRIDAY when awry and I know sooo many of you have been waiting on the edge of your seat to find out what happened. But, I also want to share something sort of great that's happened because of you all!
-I had my facial nerve pain (Trigeminal Neuralgia) procedure last Tuesday. It was a RFA (radio frequency ablation). The procedure went just fine, no problems at all. And for the first couple of days I was feeling great! It was a light (although temporary) at the end of a year-long tunnel waiting to have the procedure again. For reference: I take two pain pills during the day, and two long-acting much more potent pain medicines at night. None of these completely dissipate the pain- they're just used to make it tolerable. I don't mean to whine; I'm very lucky that I have disability and medicare that cover these options. BUT...the idea of having to take less or no pain medicine until the RFA wears off is amazing (it can last 6-9 months).
-As I was basking in the glory of lowering pain on my left side, the right side of my mouth decided to begin hurting to the point that I was sobbing. So, Friday I had to go into the dentist and have a pulpotomy and other bullshit to prepare for the root canal I was suppose to have two days ago. I have killer dental insurance, so I feel terrible complaining about this too, but everything on Friday cost 700$. I don't have 700$ so I had to text my mom and ask her to cover it. She was happy to do it, but borrowing money from my Mom causes panic attacks. She never needs me to pay it back, but I know my parents don't have the kind of money to just hand it out to me. This is when Aurora F. amazingly offered to cover the Dump- I still think it was super sweet.
-Saturday I went into super-panic-attack mode about borrowing the money from my Mom, because after looking at all our finances, I realized I couldn't pay her back anytime soon. And, the root canal was going to be even more come Monday. My Mom is amazing and talked me down- told me to stop worrying about and she wasn't going to let me pay to have a procedure to help my left Trigeminal Nerve and then suffer through terrible pain on my right side.
-I haven't been able to recover from my panic attacks quickly at all recently- I haven't had this any panic attacks until recently. Money causes a conniption. I grew up with it always being an issue and have dug myself into the same type of hole. Ettiene Charles (sorry about spelling) gave me some great advice and I'm working on that currently- though getting all that together is slightly panic inducing.
-Sunday, the pain in my left Trigeminal nerve (thus the entire left side of my face) returned...depression began to sink back in. All the while though, you guys kept me sane just by posting and sharing your lives.
-Monday I went to the dentists office to get my root canal (my dentist office also has a endodondist there twice a week). While I have awesome dental insurance, it means I have to select one dental office and do everything there. They charge a discounted rate to my insurance company and my insurance covers a ton of it. BUT, the dental office is really, what I consider crass about the payment situation. I totally get that they want the money up front- but it's totally not cool to have someone sign something mid-procedure saying they'll write you a check afterwards or they can't continue.
So, any whoozles, I go back and get ready to have my root canal (after I hand them a fairly sizeable check at the front desk), but before they start they bring back a waiver saying that my insurance does not cover the endo consult (him looking at my x-rays in front of me- because I already have the God Damn pulpotomy so he really has no choice but to do the root canal) and they want a check for $150 as soon as my procedure is finished.
This is Monday. Over the past four days I've given them two large checks. I ask if I can post date until Wednesday because today is the day I get my disability check. They check with the accounting department- and say "nope, has to be today." To which I said, "okay, well I can't do it today. Thanks anyway." As I was rescheduling my appointment I asked for my root canal check back because they did not in fact perform the root canal. They looked at me like I was crazy- but I did get the check back.
This may not seem like a huge deal, but before coming to Groupthink I would have never been able to do this. I would have somehow found the money- called my MIL, done something stupid when I could've just waited. [As an aside, I really do know how lucky I am that I have family I could call in this situation. But at this point, with my small disability check and Mr. BE being out of work for quite awhile- I don't want to go to them anymore than I have to- especially his parents. They've been amazing to us. I realize how great I actually do have it.] But, while I may have been really angry in the past because they could have told me all this on Friday, I never would have said something like, "fuck it, I'm out." I did not actually say, "fuck it."
-I left the dentist office and was upset and frustrated. All they had to do was tell me about this last Friday and I would have scheduled accordingly. Mr. BE and I share a car right now and we live outside Austin, on the NW end. He works in far, far South Austin. So, I had about 4 hours to kill before I had to pick him up and it was a stupid waste of gas and traffic time to come all the way home.
-Like any "smart" (read dumb and frustrated) person, I decided to go shopping. One of the places I went was Sally Beauty Supply. I freaking love that place. But the thing Groupthink has done for me is: I asked questions while there! I normally avoid sales people and customer service people like the plague and of course end up getting the wrong shit. But, I had the confidence to talk to the sales woman and tell her about what I want to do with my hair and ask her opinion on what she thinks would be best. After I left I realized I had done this and I was so excited. You guys are really the best!
-Then, like every upset person I know, I headed to Target to try to improve my mood via the greatness that is Target. It did not help. What Target cannot repair is bad.
-While the pulpotomy immediately stopped the right side pain, the left side pain is back. It's yet to reach a 10, but it's definitely made it up to at least a 7. Yesterday, I couldn't get up to shower, I did no laundry, I did absolutely nothing. I have bipolar disorder that leans toward depression and when I start to feel remotely depressed I start to feel like it's going to be overwhelming. Mr. Bright Eyes is very helpful when it comes to this, we have a practice that if I start to feel sad at any time, all I have to say is "I feel sad" and he knows I need a hug or to cry.
-He reminded me that my new ballet shoes and tights and shorts were coming via mail today and tomorrow and that I start my ballet class tomorrow night. Thanks to all our talking on here, I'm not nervous at all about going. I don't care that I haven't taken ballet in about 14 years or that I'm not super skinny. I'm actually not scared about meeting the people there, though that may be a little because ballet class tends to be quiet. I love that I'm not scared. Last time when I decided to talk up something, it was a krav maga class, which I'm still dying to take, but I had panic attacks all day before the class and threw up right before hand- thus I never was able to go.
Tl;dr- it's been a relatively crap-holey week and I feel like I might be sliding into depression (though I'm fighting that with exercise, nutrition, vitamins, blue light, etc.)...but you all, all of Groupthink have given me so many tools to deal with life on a daily basis. I feel so much more confident and I want to thank everyone for that!