I'm a New Years baby. I officially turned 23 to me today. Yay. Even on the best of times I want to stick to my tradition of watching the Twilight Zone marathon and eating fancy nibbles from Trader Joe's. I desperately need that tradition this year because my parents who were very recently engaged, are no longer engaged and possibly broken up forever. Maybe more on that later this week since we're having a big family meeting on it. Needless to say I was in a funk leading up to my birthday.
Then last night right before she left to go to a church party, my mother sat me down and spent the better part of an hour telling me how lazy and useless I was. Until I cried. Then before she left she made sure to tell me to wash the dishes that haven't been touched for days. I spent the last few hours before midnight crying and getting drunk.
She's sick. She's a narcissist. She abusive. She's a black hole that constantly drains on my emotional and mental resources. I know she loves me, to the best of her capabilities. I don't think she's purposefully holding back, I don't think she's fully aware of how sick she is. And I love her, its a jaded and guarded love. Something that's familiar and worn around the edges, but its love and its healthy. But I don't like her. I don't feel guilty for admitting that anymore. I honestly don't see me calling her twice a week to catch up or her being somebody I call in a crisis. I'll answer her phone calls once in awhile. I'll visit during the holidays. But we'll never become close.
So my resolution, to become independent of everyone. I'm gonna study networking on my own since I can't afford school at the moment. I have two books and I still have access to the Cisco material so I should be set. I plan on starting my own Etsy shop in the next month, I'll sell sketches and such. I'll try to be happy and do things that make me happy, instead of waiting until I deserve to be happy.
Here's hoping 2014 is full of wonderful surprises.