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My Review of the Guys Sitting in Front of Me During Star Trek

I enjoy the shared experience of watching a movie at the movie theater. Certain things can enhance a movie: a room of people laughing at the same joke, someone screaming when something scary happens, a collective gasp. A very special few people can actually scream things at the movie and make it a lot better (like the girl that screamed, "SNAKES ON A TITTY!" during Snakes on a Plane, in the scene where a snake bit a titty. That girl is still the only person to receive all 9 out of 9 jujubes on one of these reviews). Then there are people that can ruin a movie for everyone. Some spoilers.

In this post I review the guys sitting directly in front of me while I watched Star Trek: Into Darkness earlier today. They were about six or seven white and Asian guys that looked a little younger than me and strangely all chose to wear black to the movies. I was initially relieved that none of them were especially tall, which is rough to sit behind, but they started to annoy me right away when they all pulled out hand held gaming devices and started playing at full volume. The movie hadn't started yet, it was still shitty commercials about TV shows I'm not going to watch, but that had to fight with the noise of 6 machine guns and explosions going on right in front of me. I wanted to tell them that I was a veteran and the noise was going to set off my PTSD and I might flip out on them (all lies) but then I remembered that was HORRIBLE so I didn't do it. The commercials lag on so I say, "Hey, can you guys turn that down?" The couple sitting to the left of me nod in approval, and I on the spot rate them 7 jujubes, which is a great score for anyone. My request, however, is ignored. Even though there was six of them and I've never been in a fight before, I'm confident I could tear through them all like a Ninja Turtle through nameless Foot Clan goofs, so I decided to escalate. "HEY. I'm talking to you guys in front of me, playing video games. TURN THAT SHIT OFF." One of them meekly replies, "The movie isn't on yet." They kept playing but turned the volume down, and I let them keep their lives.


The movie finally starts and they give a cheer. Okay, these guys are nerds, I am a nerd. They must feel like how I felt when Phantom Menace came out in the brief moments before Phantom Menace started to suck ass. I decided to cut them some slack. But that wasn't the end of it. This movie featured a lot of Star Trek inside jokes, and every time one of them happened, these chuckle-heads would cheer and then clap like someone scored a point at tennis. If you have seen the movie already, you know this happened 800 times.

The worst time was when the original Spock appeared on the view screen because I guess you can just call him up whenever and he will break his own rules and give you advice if you ask him for it and FUCK IT why not just have two Spocks on the Enterprise WHO FUCKING CARES ANYMORE?! One of these guys is like "NIMOY!" and they give a standing ovation. Really? You know he was in the last movie too. Honestly I was kind of bummed he was in this one too after he said he was going to do his own thing. But whatever.

Wait no, the worst was when Spock shouts, "KAAAAAAAAAHHHN!" and they all did it too.

These guys were quiet while nothing was happening though, so I give them that. And they laughed at the right times even if they gave an applause after. Three jujubes out of nine, but in summery:

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