TW depression, body talk
My dinner with my sister in law went great. It was so nice to catch up with her and we drank plum wine and pigged out on sushi. We talked about light fun stuff but we also talked about PPD a bit. She told me she and her husband joke that her second child probably wouldn't have survived if her husband wasn't the one staying home and looking after him because she just didn't even care to feed him. She said it particularly horrible for her because she had an instant bond with her first son so the guilt she felt was amplified because she knew she was capable of being a loving mom. She didn't get help though and kind of just toughed it out until it went away on its own. She's had two subsequent kids and hasn't had PPD with either of them. She was trying to reassure me that because I have it Baby Haa it doesn't necessarily mean it will be a given every time. I'm skeptical. And a little bit terrified to find out.
My talk with BFF went okay. We have this habit of going months without talking and when we see each other it's like we pick up right where we left off. So I don't think she thought it was particularly weird that I hadn't been in contact. She said she felt really badly because she has been in therapy and meds before and she didn't even have a baby! I kind of chickened out on telling her I felt abandoned by my friends and I could use them making more of an effort. I guess I'll try to do the reaching out and hope it comes up eventually. I didn't want to make her feel bad about not being there because it's mostly that I pushed everyone away. It wouldn't be fair to assume she should know something was going on. I brought up that I would be wearing a one piece for our waterpark trip and she complained "Oh I want a one piece, I've gained so much over the holidays." The girl is a size two (maybe a four). I also told her I was hurt by the comments a girl who started hanging out with my friends made on a woman's stomach in a swimsuit who had a baby. My BFF said "Oh but that was weird. I've never seen a stomach look like that." -.- I told her that's a lot what my stomach looks like right now and she changed the subject. So that sucks.
Otherwise I'm bumming because I ordered two pairs of jeans from Old Navy and they both look terrible on me. I feel like such a frumpy mom and nothing fits around my hips anymore. My modcloth suit came and it is super cute... unfortunately my body is not. It just doesn't feel like it's flattering besides covering up my disgusting stretchmarks. So I've come to the conclusion that it's not clothing it's just that my body is such a weird shape and I'll never like how it looks. I wish I could live in yoga pants and sweatshirts my whole life. They are so comfy and I never look bad in them.