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TW Depression, self worth. Pretty much this whole thing can be one long trigger warning.

Just a few minutes ago, I put on a pair of shorts I'd worn yesterday (squalor!) and felt something in the back pocket (some....thing in the pocket!) Figuring it was a piece of trash or something, I fished it out and it dropped to the floor. It was a $20 bill.

This is the sort of thing that should fill me with joy and really turn my week around, but it doesn't. It doesn't help. I'd need to find a lot more twenties to get out of the mess I feel like I'm in. Maybe it's not that bad. Maybe I'm just being dramatic, but it feels like I'm in a hole I'll never get out of and it's my fault. I feel like every financial decision I've made in my adult life has been profoundly stupid. I don't know what to do with this feeling. I feel like I have nowhere to go except to trap myself in an endless cycle of self-loathing, and it's hard to talk about to anyone (including to you, oh Hivemind) because I know it's my own doing.


I'll be making more this summer than I did last summer, but it never feels like enough, and I'm making less than month than I have any other month of the year. But it seems like all bills are set up with people in mind who make the same pay every other Friday through the year like clockwork, and financial advice always seems based on that too. Oh, and helpful tips like cutting back on my daily Starbucks habit, which, gee, thanks, I'll try to save up enough to have one of those so I can give it up.

All of this would be enough without an e-mail from a department chair basically saying not to expect raises any time soon, if you have a job at all next year, which is far from certain. I look around for jobs and feel like I'm qualified to do two things: 1) Teach college English and 2) Wait tables. I guess I should hit the pavement to do the latter, but I'm worried that I'll never get a job since I was fired from my last (and only) server job, and I'm too paranoid to not admit that I was fired. Oh, and the me being fired part was my fault too. But if I did get another job, I don't know how I'd have the time to do anything else I need to do.

I don't know why I'm writing this other than to just get it off my chest. And who knows, maybe there are more twenties in there somewhere.

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