I have a new sexuality coach, who I hope will help me find ways to find a sexual relationship outside of conventional dating or methods of getting casual sex, i.e. working on a pool of good close male friends that I know well so that maybe I can feel sexually about one of them eventually. The sex talk and blowjobs posts were also a little triggering, I will admit; mostly because for most people partnered sex can be so great, but I have this feeling that for me it will be pretty sad and awful. Perhaps masturbation is really as good as it will ever get.
Guy T was someone that I messaged on OkCupid when I lived in Unnamed Big US City. We met for coffee and had an ok time talking about travelling and living in different countries. After an hour and a half I was out of energy so I made my excuses and left. There was nothing I *didn't* like about them, so I kept thinking, I'll give him another chance. We texted about our daily lives and one thing or the next. This went on for several "dates." Eventually I realized it was pretty unlikely I would ever feel any connection to him, but a few times I went to his place and we watched a James Bond movie and The Hunger Games.
I had told him I was unhappy in Big City and was moving, and he said he wanted to get together one more time. We watched a movie and then I said I was going to go, and he started complaining about how I wasn't interested in him sexually, didn't want to spend the night, kept coming over and leading him on, and so forth. I just said we weren't a good match for each other and I had already mentioned I was unhappy where I was and always would be. Even if we were in a proper relationship, that wouldn't make me happy. I still felt bad for feeling like I lead him on, though he had never once tried anything physical, including kissing me. Which was a relief; I never wanted to even kiss him, much less do anything sexual. He didn't have any qualities that turn me on, like a sense of humor, or curiosity about ideas, or real empathy. He was definitely good-looking and probably a decent person, but that doesn't do it for me.
A few relevant things:
- He had only been in the US a few years, and was still somewhat unfamiliar with the history and politics, understandably. We used to argue about US history because he thought the government should become a confederation of state governments sharing resources, with him in charge to dole everything out ("that's the life of a king," he used to say). When I asked him how he'd get Americans to do that outside of using force, he would just say, "they'll have to obey." To be fair, he didn't know a whole lot about US history; he did think this was a good way to make money.
- There were other cultural misunderstandings between us, I think. He was used to saying things like, "women don't know how to take care of cars." (He didn't either.) It was sexist, but he seemed to think it was ok.
- I got the impression he was as inexperienced sexually as I was, and with women in general. He thought of women as symbols; that is, he needed a girlfriend because his brothers and sisters were married and maybe a girlfriend would make him a success. But he didn't seem to know any women in real life outside his family, or have female friends, or think of them as just regular people.
Anyway, the whole thing was a real mess, and is making me ponder how to be honest about needing lots of time for sexual attraction. All my dating life has really been like this, only shorter.