So I met with my therapist yesterday. There was one thing she brought up to me in particular, that I've heard from her (and others: a prior therapist, good friends, etc) before, and it always throws me for a loop: I'm really, really serious. It's true, and I don't want it to be true. I hate being serious all the time, it doesn't feel like the "real" me.. I get so bogged down by the work I'm going to accomplish, that I neglect the need to cut loose, joke around, and be free and spontaneous. I get stuck in a deep rut and can't see a positive side to anything. I feel desperate and stepped on, and start trying to be perfect as a means of feeling good enough. Or I overanalyze things to death in my head. It's decidedly not fun. It's something I was trained to do as a kid over and over again: be quiet, don't use your voice, and don't ask for anything.

The reality is: i love laughing. I love spontaneity. I love being a little campy, and dressing like a wannabe rockstar/the teacher from the Magic School Bus. I love talking and making new friends. In my head, I'm always making little jokes and silly comments to myself. I feel best when I'm being ridiculously passionate and over the top about something I'm in to. It's just been a really shitty year. and I've let go of a lot of that stuff that makes me, "me". For fuck's sake, I'm trying to blend in and be really stern and pragmatic with a Bettie Page haircut and a bunch of visible tattoos. It's not working.

What do you do when you feel like a stick in the mud?

I think part of the having fun/being spontaneous thing that's hard for me is that I always think it requires money, which I have very very little of right now. So, what do you guys do for fun that is free/very close to free? Last night, I watched Labryrinth with my roommate, and before that we went window shopping and skipped through the mall holding hands like 8 year olds. Today I'm wearing ridiculously loud Jammie's and having a Netflix marathon of some of my favorite comedy shows. Later on I'm making a list of low key part time jobs I could apply for that I might...actually....enjoy. No more healthcare management/insurance coordination. It makes me crazy, and I am not an organized person. Time to stop shoving a square peg in a round hole.

Therapist asked me to make a phone background for myself that reads: "Remember 2 things: 1. You are worthy. 2. Have fun." So I did, and put the text over a photo of age 5 Natface wearing a ballerina outfit and looking mischievous. She also reminded me that it's up to me to put this situation in perspective: I can choose to be depressed about my family, terrified of the future, and upset that I sold all of my stuff, OR I can look at it through the lens of: I have NOTHING tying me down. I am free. And I'm just cleaning house, and keeping only people who are truly on my team around me.


Also, your funniest GIFs would be appreciated here.