Sorry I have been a posting hog lately but I really value the collective wisdom of the group.
I have an update on my situation with my husband and the line of credit. I finally said that we needed to run our credit. He said the only thing he had was a gas station credit card, hemmed and hawed and finally said ok. Well, not only did he not close the line or credit as he said he would, he withdrew the full $17k and also has $33k in credit card debt that I didn't know. He kept the line of credit open after me telling him that if I caught him lying about money again I would take the kids and go. That wasn't enough to stop him. He has basically not told me anything truthful about money in the time that we've been married. He'd been stealing money from work since before we even met, so it predates me. He said started spending when we had two kids in childcare, which ended four years ago, so he's been carrying the debt for a while. I was there as well, paying my half on less than his wage. I have paid off my credit card debt. He said he didn't tell me about the money he'd spent because he was scared I would yell at him. The only times I have gotten upset with him about money is when he has bought hobby stuff that is a want not a need. I'm not saying he can't spend any money, just that he needs to prioritize since we don't have a ton of money and I am already spending more money than he is on the kids. He has boxes and boxes of very expensive, unused hobby-related items, probably worth $10,000 but in bits and pieces so it couldn't be sold for that much. He admits that he has a problem with money, including a problem being truthful with it, although only when confronted with it.
There is also the problem with intimacy, as in it is non-existent. I begged and pleaded for at least two years to have sex and then I just gave up. Between that and his continued lying, we just drifted farther apart. Four years of no sex is when I did The Very Bad Thing, which is hook up with the high school ex. It was stupid, I regret it. It gave me some fleeting distraction from my world and it felt nice to have someone's attention but neither of those things are a good enough justification, especially with kids. Today after we talked about the credit, he told me that he had seen a text from the ex while getting my phone for one of the kids, so he knew something was going on. This was a year ago so he'd been sitting on this, waiting for the right time I guess. He said that it hurt him but he didn't blame me because of how things had been with us. He felt that he was responsible. I told him that he wasn't since there were many more functional ways I could have dealt with what I was feeling. He did say that thinking about the text (which was a bunch of winky/kissy face emoticons- I can't believe I'm even typing that) would make him feel like he could go ahead and spend more money. Tit for tat, so to speak.
So now here we are, both pretty fucked up and in a marriage that is stuck in dysfunction junction. I have a friend who says that we just need to end things and another who is arguing that we can rebuild things now that everything is on the table. I don't know if 13 years of lies can be undone. But I also feel like a hypocrite and that I'm no better than him for lying. I feel like I exacerbated the situation with my actions or at least ignored it because then he wouldn't pay too much attention to me. This is bringing on guilt that is seriously clouding my decision.
Thoughts? Advice? Yelling?