Sorry if this is weird, I don't talk about personal stuff like this much. I was raised in a family where expressing emotion in private was very positive, but it was very much a "don't make a scene in public" attitude toward negative emotions, so it's weird expressing this on a forum like GT, even when it's normal.

As I've mentioned before (a while back), my boyfriend and I broke up shortly after Christmas. He wasn't able (or willing?) to meet my needs that required more than the bare minimum of effort to fulfill, and I had been doing all the planning and overtures in our relationship for a while. It came to a head when he refused to come to my family's holiday party (between Xmas and New Year's) because he simply didn't feel like driving up to visit. Anyway, we broke up, and I felt pretty ok, because I was tired of initiating and getting very little initiative from him in return. It puts a lot of stress on a relationship.

I've always been pretty calm when dealing with breakups. Relationships take two people, and if one person isn't in it anymore, then I don't see a point in fighting for it, even if I'm still deep in it emotionally. I deal with my feelings after the fact, when the other person isn't there anymore. Why make them feel terrible for making the best choice they see for themselves?

So I felt pretty ok, and started going on dates again here and there. Nothing has really panned out in any significant way for me, and I've started to go into the grieving phase for our relationship. For the past few days, I've been flashing to the very good times in our relationship. Happy moments, how wonderful our first dates were, kissing, daily stuff. It hurts a lot, because he was my first and i was crazy for him, but I don't think he was ever as invested in me as I was in him. I waited a long time to tell him I loved him, because I didn't want to blindside him, and when I finally did (after 7 months or so), I didn't get any reaction. Zero. So I let it go. I've been pressured to say the L word before and it was shitty, so I never said it ever again. It was hard to keep that feeling with no feedback, no positive reactions or overtures.

I had hidden him from my facebook feed but enough friends liked a new photo of him (including my roommate, who only knows him in the capacity as my former boyfriend) that it popped up, I guess. He has a new girlfriend. There are pictures everywhere. I am devastated. Crying, hurt, angry at myself for feeling this way. They look happy. I feel replaced. I meant so little that it was easy to find someone new and be happy in less than two months.

And it feels unfair that I feel this way. Unfair that I am dating and that I am so hurt by him dating and finding someone. If I can date, he has the absolute same right. Unfair that I am the one who feels this way and he doesn't seem to hurt at all. I just want to feel good and be ok again and be happy.

Our breakup happened shortly after I dislocated my knee, and shortly before the first anniversary of dad's death, which compounds some of the bullshit. I compartmentalized a lot of it but it's hitting me now, as it does, since I have sufficient distance from the events themselves.

Additionally, I think I need to end things with the dude I've been seeing casually for the last two or three weeks, because it feels like he needs a lot more emotional intimacy from me than I can give right now. We're decent socially, and we're great sexually, but he does all these little things that telegraph a high level of intimacy to me, and I just can't take it. He really really seems to like me, and I am just... meh. So I have to end it, or I'll hurt him more if I let it go on.

I spent a long time single through college (nearly 3 years) and I have a decent sense of myself as an individual outside of a relationship, so I didn't think it would be an issue dating again shortly after another relationship. I have no problem being alone, and I reactivated my OKC account more on a whim than anything, shortly after the breakup. I was bored out of my mind housesitting during my winter break, and my friends were MIA for most of the break, so I decided to take a swing at social contact there. I'm wondering if I need to walk away for a while, but I feel like I'll somehow miss out on someone awesome if I do.

I don't really know what I feel like right now, and I kind of need hugs. Thanks for letting me vent, GT.