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Needing Some Advice, Please

Fair warning: this is going to be long and rambling.

I don’t know if there is a cycle to the grief following the demise of a marriage (or any relationship, really). But I am feeling like I am mired in the heartbreak/sadness phase. In the end, I didn’t want the divorce. Earlier on, before the separation and just afterwards I was angry about a lot and felt some relief or at least numbness at the distance between us. But through therapy I reached a point where I felt like I could productively address these frustrations and we could have come out stronger. He, however, had decided to move to another state and move in with his long-distance rebound.

So while I was heartbroken about his decision that we should go through with finalizing the divorce, I tried to be really zen about it. I missed him, of course. But I told myself that I could only control my actions and tried to not make his way of dealing about me, or have anger at that. But then a friend told me that she and our other mutual friends thought that what he had done (jumping into a relationship with someone else 3 weeks after we separated, after being together for 12 years) was really unfair and had effectively snuffed any possibility of reconciliation. It’s like a dam broke - she said exactly the thing that I had been feeling, but had been trying to suppress. It made me feel not insane for having those thoughts. So all those feelings I was trying not to feel about that situation have bubbled up and over and I cry all the damn time. During the day at work, at night, when I am out with friends.


I have so much rage at this other woman. I know it’s not fair, even though I have very particular feelings about the type of person she is (I met her while he and I were still married, I was not a fan even back then). It’s probably because I miss him so much and am feeling so distraught and sad - it’s easier to direct this anger at a person I didn’t like to begin with, let alone after what has transpired between them. I know he is an adult and he made choices, but I still love him and my heart lets him off much easier because I also know that I hurt him during the last year, too.

I don’t know what to do with these feelings. I have dreams at night that we have gotten back together, and I wake up crying when it’s not true. I try not to think about him living with someone else, because those are not helpful thoughts, but when those thoughts enter my mind...it is so draining to be so angry. I am not an angry person. I despise conflict. And as much as I try, I cannot find even the most remotely charitable space in my heart for this woman, which makes me feel like such a petty person.

My friends are great, and have been very supportive for a long time, but I don’t want to sound like a broken record to them and use up their patience for my drama. I know that this will take more time, but if anyone has any coping strategies to deal with this sadness and longing, or to overcome my anger, I am all ears. Or even stories of how you went through similar trials and tribulations and came out okay would be appreciated. I just feel really stuck in a super shitty, sad, angry, emotional place and I don’t know what to do.

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