So.

I guess I'm a bad neighbor, or our neighbor is a bad neighbor, but someone must be a bad neighbor because yesterday my SO had a full ten seconds of uninterrupted eye contact with our old lady next door neighbor whilst we were getting it on.

We were in our guest bedroom/my office/the only room with excellent air conditioning during this heat wave (it's 106°F where I live right now). We'd been too fucking hot to get busy for days, and finally there was time, and AC, and hell, Sunday Funday.

Let me quickly interject here and say that we're in a detached house, but our neighbor basically lives in a converted garage that was once attached to our house. We share a driveway, so the homes are very close. She's an older lady, lives alone, and super shy, so I've tried to be thoughtful about our sexytimes, because they can get loud. Plus, I can often hear her parakeet through the walls.

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But she's never home during the day, so I figure day sex is more thoughtful of us? (Plus, funner sometimes?)

Back to the timeline... So, we're enjoying each other's bodies (LOOK AT MY PHRASING CHILDHOOD CHRISTIANITY WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME) and suddenly, everything stops.

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Let me paint you a picture of the moment: My leg, causally on Mr. Monarch's shoulder. Him, sitting upright on his knees, his face now at profile to me. He's looking out our side window, through the tree immediately outside of it, and into our driveway.

Then, very, very slowly... one. more. halfhearted. sex movement... Followed by the sudden flinging of him heaving himself off the side of the bed in a barrel roll.

I was surprised.

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He jumps back onto the bed, and says, "OMG I JUST MADE EYE CONTACT WITH BUELA."

Me: "Wut."

Him: "SHE'S OUT THERE BY HER CAR AND SHE STARED RIGHT INTO MY EYES."

Me: "Can she even see us in here? What could she even see?"

Him: "Me, with my shirt off... Your leg. WE MADE EYE CONTACT."

Me: "How long?"

Him: "I DON'T KNOW IT FELT LIKE A LONG TIME."

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silence.

Him: "She took a step toward me."

We were both so scarred we stopped, silently watched Stephen Fry's America, and ate kettle chips the rest of the afternoon.