Welcome to "Is That Edible?" a new food advice column that's here to serve up custom recipes, try new ingredients, get back at those Pinterest fuckers, and fix your food life, one meal at a time.
About me, your new hostess:
Cooking is something I enjoy, and not just because I get an inexplicable tingling of glee out of being a mass murderer of vegetables (although I do and I am). It's also about problem solving and basically being the insufferable bastard that can cook anything, make it look easy, doesn't have to measure squat, and it still tastes delicious.
However, my culinary cuntiness can be your gain! I want to hear about your kitchen conundrums, fix your meal woes, and cook the batshit crazy products you think you want to try, but don't know how to make and frankly would rather laugh at me spending my money on figuring this shit out than crying to yourself while hugging a spatula.
Whether you want me to clean out your fridge at the end of the week, help you plan and prep for a dinner party, wow your friends and infuriate your enemies with edible, nibbles, and whatever the fuck cute food adjectives you can think of.
Q: Wait, what? Who are you? Why are you in my bedroom?
A: I am a person who wants to cook for you, based on the ingredients and event you give me, in a totally platonic and non-creepy way. Unless you like that kind of thing. I'm here to tailor to your needs, after all.
Q: So...I just tell you that I have mayonnaise and balut and you figure out what I should make for dinner?
A: In a word: yes. In more words: No; I tell you to throw that disgusting shit out and buy a pizza because fuck balut. Why the fuck do you have that in your kitchen, anyway?
Q: What if I need to cook something to get into someone's completely consenting pants, but I've been known to burn cereal?
A: Yes, I can help you with that.
Q: I want to wipe that smug ass smile off my fucking Pinterest sibling's face. What should I cook?
A: SO MANY THINGS. Tell me what you have or how much you are willing to spend, and we will concoct our culinary revenge together.
Q: BUT YOU'RE A VEGETARIAN! WE ALL KNOW WE CAN'T TRUST YOUR KIND!
A: True. Just look at my shifty eyes. LOOK AT THEM.
Q: NO SERIOUSLY - YOU'RE A VEGETARIAN. I don't want to eat rabbit food!
A: Aaaaaaaand you don't have to. I cook meat all the time for people. I just don't eat it. Let's put it this way: there's a hot grill, 5 rib eyes ready to go, and both my husband and I are holding tongs. My husband is told to sit his ass down and go back to watching Star Trek. Besides, that shit smells delicious and you can tear me away from a grill by my melted, incinerated, ashy hands.
Q: BUT BACON!
A: I can add bacon to whatever you want. Seriously.
Q: EVEN ICE CREAM?
A: Especially that.
Q: I'm hungry, now.
A: Tell me what you like or what you have available. I'll make up a recipe just for you.
Q: Wait, really?
A: Yah, dude. Really. You don't put a lot of stock in that whole 'reading comprehension' thing, do you?
Q: I am suspicious of this column. What do I have to do for you?
A: Simple: Write me a letter at email@example.com, outlining your food dilemma and how/why you need my help. Whether it's figuring out what to do with leftovers, planning a dinner party on a budget, getting revenge, or getting laid, I've got a recipe ready to help you.
Q: That's it?
A: That's it. You might even see your letter featured in this column, which will appear weekly!
Q: So, what you're saying is that there IS such a thing as a free lunch. HAHHHH? HAHHHHHHHH???
A: You're not as funny as you think you are, bucko. Just email me at firstname.lastname@example.org, ok? We can fix this together.