TW mention of past suicidal ideation. I went to the clinic today to renew my birth control and to work out some problems I've been having with hormone spikes. I came out of her office in tears and terrified. I can't tell if it's another hormone spike or if I have a genuine need to be afraid and upset.

Her idea of a way to kill two birds with one stone was to change my birth control. She's put me on the pill again. I've been on Nuvaring since I was 18 years old, and I am now 24. I know our bodies change in 6 years, and that there's a possibility that Nuvaring is what is causing (or not preventing?) my spikes. But the last time I was on the pill I suffered from uncontrollable sadness and anxiety and anger. I wanted to kill myself and take everyone with me. To be fair, I was 16, and maybe that was just "normal" for me at the time, since I was going through a lot of other stuff too.

But getting on Nuvaring really helped me. It helped me feel sane when there weren't external factors to blame, and I never had to worry about taking a pill every day. I've always been bad at remembering to take pills (especially with such an unpredictable schedule), and now it's imperative that I do or I may have a baby on my hands. That alone is terrifying, but on top of that the memory of how I felt when I was on pills years ago is sending me into fits of panic. I don't want to ever feel like that again, but I'm already creeping up to that level of non-functioning (without nearly as much anger this time) with my current hormonal spikes, so maybe this is my only hope?

Before anyone starts telling me that I should take a break from hormonal birth control, I should mention that I was not much better without it. I was off it for six months when I was in a long distance relationship, and I don't know if it was being far away from my bf or if it was the hormones (why is it so hard to put a finger on this!?), but I felt just as irrationally depressive for brief spikes of a few hours at a time. It seems like I'm the kind of person who has to be on meds to function, which is really upsetting, but at least I know I'm not alone in that.

I feel like I was rushed through the appointment. I didn't get to ask half of what I'd written down because I was so surprised at how afraid I was of the idea of changing my birth control. I made a spectacle of myself at the pharmacist, still sobbing, asking her about whether it was possible that these pills would affect me in the same way they had before. She told me to monitor it very closely and if after two weeks it's worse, go to the doctor again. It costs me 60$ every time I go to the doctor, and since I'm unemployed I can't afford to be paying for appointments and trying a new pill every couple of weeks. Not to mention the energy it would take out of me to have so many different hormone levels fucking around in my body in such a small amount of time. This really, REALLY sucks, guys.