*TW* Depression and body image stuff
I'm having a really bad day guise. So bad I came home from work because I couldn't concentrate on a thing. I'm feeling badly about how much my depression/anxiety is is affecting my worklife. I've always been able to hide my struggles and now that my supervisors know I feel like I am under a magnifying glass.
I'm starting to wonder if I have a form of body dysmorphia. When I am feeling depressed I focus on all the things I absolutely hate about my body and fixate on why they make me ugly. I was complaining to Mr. Haa last night about my flabby, wrinkly stomach. He had recently disclosed to me that my depression has caused him to lose 10 pounds. Fuck my life. He already weighed 30 pounds less than me. I know he only told me because he is concerned about it but I don't really have any advice to give him besides to eat. He never has an appetite though. I feel awful that I'm causing this too.
So I was telling him about the dream I had the night before that my the one piece swimsuit I ordered for my waterpark trip didn't arrive in time so I was flipping out about what was I going to wear. The dream was most likely a stress dream that decided to manifest itself in the most recent way I've been worrying but I've been thinking about how gross I'm going to look in a swimsuit ever since. I then went on a rant to him about how my friends are kind of shallow and I've heard them make comments about other girls when they aren't around so it makes me feel like they are all going to whisper behind my back about how awful I look and say things like "this is why I'm never having a baby" (yes one girl said that in front of a pregnant me after we saw a skinny woman who had stretchmarks). He told me they'd be fucking assholes if they said/thought any of those things about me. I'd be better off without them as friends.
Here's the thing though. I wouldn't have any friends if I give up on this group of girls. And we do have tons of fun most of the time. I'm just at a different place in my life and they aren't ready to join me any time soon. I feel like the wet blanket all the time. It's hard to talk to them because I don't want to only talk about my baby but I don't really have anything to add to conversations about all the fun stuff they all did with eachother over the weekend. I end up feeling left out. I end up feeling like a stranger even here on GT even and am constantly telling myself that people aren't sick of me here. Then I feel like a loser thinking about all the fucking validation I crave from everyone in my life. If you aren't telling me I'm fucking awesome then that must mean I'm shit.
Wow this turned out kind of rambly and all over the place. I just wanted to get some of this off my chest and my husband is just really sick of hearing about it.