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Welcome To The Bitchery

Does anyone remember those heady days of last Saturday, when the world was beautiful and nothing hurt? If so, it's probably okay that you forgot about my threat to offer gift-giving advice to strangers based on comments on a blog .


So here it goes. Before I get to specifics, though, I'll offer some general advice:

1. A lot of dads just want a nap for Fathers Day, so if there's some chore you can help out with, that might be a start.


2. For dads who like experiences, consider a Groupon or something. Those can be given (I hate the word gifted) and there are some cool deals.

3. A lot of people hate gift cards, but I don't. I like being able to spend money without a care in the world other than how much is left on the card and what do I do with a Best Buy gift card with 89 cents on it?


4. Food and beer (or fancy coffee or other non-alcoholic bevs) are rarely unappreciated.

But let's get to the requesters:

First, from FlarfenFoofenoogan

Cancer survivor, bicyclist, craft beer lover, one hundred thousand kids (give or take).

Father in law: Doesn't want things. Made him special ice cream one year, he thought it was too special to eat and kept it in the freezer for months until it got freezerburned. Got him a library card for Christmas, has yet to use it. I'm striking out here. HELP ME!


It seems obvious to me that what both of your fathers want is an experience. Well, how about a phone call from his 74th or 75th favorite celebrity? Personally, I'd recommend Lou Ferigno. If one of them is more into music, why not book the world-famous Los Colorados, seen here doing a shirtless polka cover of "Du Hasst." According to their website, you can book them for the low price of something in Russian, or some other other language that uses Cyrillic.

Alternatively, you could make him some vanilla ice and assure him that it is in no way special.


Next, from AdamAntoinette

My dad: retired pharmacist, recovering addict, gardener (like for vegetables, not pot), sci fi fan, Santa Claus lookalike, aging hippie. Enjoys tai chi, volunteer work, and coffee. When I asked what he wanted last year he said, "Scott Walker out of office, your mom's cancer not to recur, and a gift certificate to Barnes and Noble."


This is a toughie, because the obvious answer is a time travel experience where he steps on a butterfly and prevents the election of Scott Walker, but that won't work, since it might also eliminate you from the timeline as well. Instead, why not consider a personal care product from Mountain Country Soap's Aging Hippie line? It seems pretty clear to me that you love him, but you would love him even more if he smelled more like patchouli.


From Bears:

I already know what I'm getting my Dad but I'll see how you do.

My father:

- Is 55 years old

- Is senior officer in the Ontario Provincial Police

- Interests include complaining about modern music, fishing and moustache maintenance


Oh, I see how it is. The old "trick the psychic" trick. Well, I've got news for you: I know well and good that you've already purchased the unforgettable classic live-action adaptation of Dudley Do-Right. So what do you need me for? Okay, I'll tell you what you need me for: to recommend K-POP Now!: The Korean Music Revolution, to expose him to a whole new culture of music to complain about! (If he already has it, you can trade it in for a $0.02 Amazon Gift Card.



Just over 50, rides a motorcycle, listens to Black Sabbath, loves indian food, has a black lab named Boomer, really really digs horror movies and he's seen them all. He's trying to get his life in order after selling his house and moving into a teeny tiny one that is full of his girlfriend's mother's stuff (since she is lending them the place while she is ill in the hospital which is very kind of her).

I love him but he doesn't realize racism is still a thing and even though he's always pushed me to be more of a risk taker he's trying his best to make me nervous about my solo travel plans because now's the time to start parenting me, at 24, apparently. But he's still awesome and I want to get him something because like I said, I love him.

ETA he also loves wine but I can't afford the kind he likes haha. He also has pretty much every wine accessory you can think of.


I assume you mean "every wine accessory Whistling Fish can think of," because I can think of a lot of things that probably don't exist, like a wine holder thing that goes around your neck, so that when you're at a reception and you already have a plate full of cheese cubes in one hand, you can have your wine but still have a free hand for eating the cheese cubes. Well, since he already has this sock monkey wine thing, I think you should try to give him a gift that will educate him about racism, like this heartbreaking but true song by Das Racist, "Combination Pizza Hut and Taco Bell."



Early 60s, lots of "minor" health issues that combine to make an unhappy man, clinical depression. Financial troubles pretty much constantly all his life. Has two shitty sons who live close but don't visit. I live an hour+ away and don't visit often because it's a long drive and I'm always tired. Loves movies. Diabetic, so no sugary treats.

Step-dad: married my mom when I was 18 so had literally no hand in raising me, but lives with my mom so it's a package deal. He's an odd dude, probably on the spectrum (not being a bitch, totally serious), Republican. Likes to build things but takes an insanely long amount of time to accomplish tasks. Prone to falling for false internet memes, specifically ones that paint Obama and other liberals as evil.

Let's see what you can do with that!

Well, for your step-dad, the answer is so obvious that I'm sure you've already thought of it: the one LP that was put up by everyone's favorite 1960s Kingston-Trio-but-for-conservatives combo, The Goldwaters. Surprisingly enough, their LP is out of print, THANKS OBAMA but can be acquired easily through the internet... for now...


For your dad, I think it's pretty clear that what he's been trying to tell you is that he wants nothing more than a book of something that was kind of funny on the internet several years ago. If that option does not seem particularly appropriate, maybe he wants a surprisingly good country-western album from a duo with a terrible name for a country-western duo, Here to There, by Frommox. Apparently you can fetch a pretty penny for it on vinyl, which makes me kind of wish I knew where my dad's old copy is and whether or not we ever got it on CD.


Sadly, I'll have to end it there; I have stuff to actually do, if I want to get anything for Fathers Day other than an icy stare from PhMom because I wasted my day off from the kids with this stupid blog post. I'll see if I have time to catch the rest of you later!

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