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I think I just need to get some things out of my head before they send me to a dark place.

I've been unemployed since February. I haven't been actively looking for anything until recently. I haven't explored unemployment, either, because the last time I tried, I got so overwhelmed that I had a friend help me out with it.. but it got rejected. Later, I found out that I could've petitioned again and probably been granted it. Now, with this last firing, I'm worried that it'd be too late to try to file, or that I won't have all the information, or that the person at the unemployment office will yell at me because I have no idea what I'm doing.

So there's that.

I sent out maybe 5 to 7 resumes yesterday and had an email waiting for me a couple of hours later. (I'd been at dinner with my visiting out of state family.) The email had been sent at 6:42, and I didn't get home until 10:30ish. I replied telling the lady I would be free for an interview around 3:30, but I haven't heard back. I woke up today filled with anxiety, and it's built up even more because of the ritalin I took (legally) and just because that's what my anxiety does. There's other stuff weighing me down, so I haven't sent another email or called to speak to the interview woman directly because, holy god, what if she wants me to come asap? I'm a mess right now.


My family does family dinner every Sunday. It originally started as a random thing because we all want to be around my grandmother as much as possible and soak up everything we can because of her Alzheimer's. During one of these dinners, we started talking about medical testing and whether or not we'd want to know if we had a life altering/ending disease. I'm very firm about my stance because my dad has Parkinson's. The terror of possibly becoming my father has me, at this point in my life, not wanting to know at all if I could get it. I mentioned that to my aunt who told me she had no idea that my father had the disease, and I was shocked. I assumed my mom had told my family. (My parents are divorced, but his fuckups affect her, and my aunt's husband is my mom's brother who happens to be a financial adviser and attorney.) So now I'm having mini-freak outs that maybe I imagined my dad has Parkinson's (I didn't, he does, but when I was younger I used to exaggerate or make up things about myself to my family because I felt like there was a huge competition as to who was the best child/grandchild.) I kind of want to call my aunt and say something, but, like I said, I'm in current curl-in-a-ball status.

I've been talking with a guy for a several weeks now, and we have a lot a lot in common.

But lately I've been getting flashbacks of my ex. It was an emotionally abusive relationship that didn't get any sort of resolution. During the relationship, he had a thing with texting. If I didn't text back right away, he'd freak out. If I took too long to answer, he'd freak out. He'd accuse me of stuff. He wasn't a fan of pictures, either. Specifically, me taking them and posting them. I took this fantastic picture of me making fun of the duck face/peace sign thing, thought it was hilarious and the best thing ever, showed it to him and told him I was gonna make it my profile picture and he.. dun dun duuuun.. freaked out, so I stopped taking pictures. I pretty much don't like pictures of me anyway, being self-critical, but early in the relationship when I was confident and happy and had no idea what was to come, I was taking pictures and sharing them with the public because of all the happy I was feeling.


So back to the now. The guy and I don't live close, and he's a fan of pictures and texting. He'll ask me every day to send him a picture. I also think that I'm not this guy's type basing this assumption only on his looks. Which is dumb of me, I know. I see him with a perky athletic blonde type. (Effing media, seriously.) And because of all the sad depressed feels I have going on, I really don't like what I look like or how I feel about my body right now. If I were feeling confident and happy, I'd be sending pics. But, flashbacks of my ex's behavior and my own icky confidence.. I'm hesitant with being honest with this guy about why I don't want to send pics and text a lot because I'm worried it'll cause him to scale so far back that we'll lose the connection that we do have.

And, shit, I just realized something else. I'm scared to share with him what happened to me in my last relationship because I shared/was forced to share about my experiences with having been stalked with The Ex who eventually used it against me in arguments.


So, um, yeah. Excuse the bad grammar and hideously lengthy stream of consciousness shit. No reply needed, really. I just needed to get it out.

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