I haven’t felt this panicky in a long time and it’s very upsetting for me. I’m sorry that GT is getting the brunt of this. I feel like i’m burdening everyone when my thoughts are spinning out of control like this.
I feel completely terrified and irrational right now, and I know I’m just jumping at shadows and ghosts from my past. I really just want to feel better. I want to feel secure in myself and my relationship. I want to believe that I can have the kind of connection and affection that I want but I just feel like I’m waiting for the roof to cave in. It’s like my boyfriend or my friends can reassure me but I can’t feel solid in it or trust it for more than a few minutes to maybe half a day. My thoughts are racing, my stomach feels like there’s a hole burning in it, my limbs go numb, I don’t feel anything like myself right now. I feel like a needy, awful, off putting, childish monster. Who could want me when I feel so afraid? And like, I feel like I just know that people can sense it coming off of me and it must disgust them. Why can’t I just get over this?
I forced myself up and out of the house because I felt like I was going to go crazy just staring at my ceiling and walls for another day, and now I’m fighting back tears in a coffee shop.
It’s always two steps forward and five steps back it feels like. I just want to believe for real that it’s going to be okay.