After reading this post about not being the right kind of woman, I got rill introspective about being the right kind of person in general.
I read a lot about how strongly all of you feel about things and I find it difficult to feel strongly about anything most of the time. I don't know if this is how my depression manifests or if this is just my personality.
I used to feel strongly about things. I used to think everything was important or immediate. As I get older, I feel more and more numb to what's going on around me.
You all talk about how much you want sex-I don't really have a sex drive. Sex means nothing to me. I don't even really masturbate with any enthusiasm. I do it when I'm bored. I don't think I've had an actual orgasm in years, if ever. I don't really want sex. I want intimacy and love. I think.
You all talk about how you want to be in relationships and like having company. I am happier, much happier, alone. I don't do well in relationships with men so I've kinda given up on that for now. I might be able to find someone I can tolerate but I honestly don't have much hope for that. Something has always been wrong. I've made poor choices. I've had bad luck. I don't think relationships should be hard or difficult or take work. If they do, it just isn't right. My lady friendships aren't hard or difficult. They don't take work. They just are. Why should it be different with a man?
I never feel enraged or particularly upset about things. I get kind of morose. Aside from that, I operate on a mostly even keel. I don't feel super strongly. I don't react to things in an emotional way most of the time. I tend to look at situations in the most logical way possible while tamping down whatever emotional response I should maybe have. My mother has more than once called me a sociopath.
All of this together leads me to believe that maybe my depression has decided to make my brain numb and slightly apathetic. I have health insurance again so I could go and see someone about it. Possibly go on a medication again so that the dull sense of melancholy goes away. So that I can "feel" again.
I'm conflicted about it though. I don't really want to feel strongly about things. When I read about how miserable other people are in their relationships or how people respond so strongly to seemingly innocuous things, I wonder if that's what I really want. I feel like the highs aren't worth the lows. I'd rather be low/even all the time then feel really happy one day and feel really sad the next.
What I do feel is abnormal. I should want a partner. I should want sex. I should want company. All of those instinctual things that make a human human, I don't really feel.
I'm a human being, a member of an extremely gregarious species, who prefers being alone.
And now for something completely different to lighten that load: