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Not going so well

I started the nurse in when Baby Haa woke up at 9:30 this morning and she got a bottle of formula 4 and half hours in. Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuccccccccckkkkkkkk. I'm so disappointed in myself. The first round of nursing went okay. She nursed for almost an hour but I figured maybe it was because she was waking up. I pumped the side she wasn't eating on for 10 minutes but after she came off I switched her because she was still hungry. So about a half hour after she stopped eating she got super fussy so I put her back to the breast and she nursed for another 50 minutes. The side I had pumped and she nursed on was still empty so she just screamed after 5 minutes. She spent 45 minutes on the other side. Fell asleep, woke up and wanted more when I tried to put her down to nap. So 45 minutes later I nursed her for another 45 minutes. A half hour later she was crying. She was so hungry and I was so stressed and frustrated. So I made the formula bottle with the hope that she would go to sleep with a full belly. I could pump and then give myself 2 hours to refill before trying to nurse her again. But she screamed after the bottle. Until I started rocking her. She would get super close to falling asleep and then wake herself up and fuss.

Mr. Haa had decided to try to get our yard work finished up today. I thought that would be fine but I can't handle being alone with her. My frustration boiled over and the next thing I know I'm yelling at her and putting her in her bassinet and running into my room. I called my husband in from the yard and he tried to comfort me. I finally got my crying under control after spending the last hour curled up in my bathroom sobbing to Mr. Haa that I am so not mother material. Emotionally I am so broken and not strong. I don't see how I'm ever going to get my shit together enough for my daughter. I feel so hopeless at this point. I think I've cried every day for the past month. I see my OB on Tuesday again so I will definitely be filling her in that I seem to be backsliding. I know therapy is probably the only thing that will make this better but I'm so terrified of it. My therapist is booked until mid December but I'm on a cancellation list. For now writing this out will have to do. I appreciate the support GT has given me. You mean more to me than you all know.


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