Details after the jump..

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I try not to talk about my weight often as I have been suffering from an ED for ~75% of my life. I've been in and out of treatment and was in a good place before I got pregnant last year.

After my termination in August I fell into a depression. First I stopped eating, then I ate too much and refused to exercise. That went on for way to long. Finally in January I started going back to Soulcycle/Flywheel 3-4 times a week. We tried to conceive in Jan (I probably should have waited until I was happy with my weight) and found out I was pregnant the first week of Feb.

Last pregnancy I was put on modified bed rest because I kept clotting and bleeding. I bled from 11 weeks through 20 weeks. This time around my doctor does not want to risk it and so all I'm allowed to do is walk. I feel like this pregnancy is so tenuous that I haven't even been doing that a lot because I'm terrified.

I just went into the bathroom at work and barely recognized myself. I don't know what happened; I don't know when I lost control and accepted this weight for myself. I'm so ashamed. All I want to do is hide and cry. Summer is right around the corner and on top of the pregnancy I am already a cow. I'm heartbroken right now. When I told Mr. VB I was feeling fat he kept telling me that I should be happy I'm gaining weight because last pregnancy I did not, so it's a good sign.

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My rational brain knows that I'm going to gain weight during this pregnancy and that it's good weight. It knows that I'll be able to exercise again when it's over. My illogical, ED invaded brain is finding this incomprehensible and unacceptable. I wouldn't restrict or purge or anything, but it's making me extremely depressed and anxious. Especially because we have a wedding in Key West next month and I have no idea what I'm going to wear because nothing fits anymore (because of the weight gain from last year).

I'll be seeing my therapist again next week, so I appreciate those suggestions, but am on top of it because I know I have to be because it's not about me this time, it's about someone else. That doesn't make it any easier to look down and see my thighs, or look in the mirror and feel like I'm seeing a version of me on steroids.

/rant over