*tw* body image issues/ depression
So the mall was a mistake. I decided to hit up Express and look for a blazer and a new pair of pants first. Big mistake. I don't know why I was delusional enough to think I wouldn't need the biggest size I've ever bought before but nothing was fitting. I was about to go out and get bigger sizes, feeling defeated but not surprised, when I overhear two girls in the fitting rooms next to me: "These size 2s are way too big. Do you have this in 0?" Ugh. I get that a 2 or 0 is extremely tiny and the vast majority of women are bigger than that but fuck if I couldn't say "Do you have this in a 12?" after hearing that. I wanted to melt into the floor. So I left. The mall. And drove home. Yup, I drove 45 minutes and back and didn't even make it to Sephora. I know a lot of you love buying makeup but after feeling like a giant fatass I knew I couldn't have beautiful ladies with pretty makeup scrutinizing my ugly face. I was feeling very judged. I got to my car and called Mr. Haa and cried at him. He tries to be supportive but other than telling me I'm not ugly he really doesn't know what to say. I don't know if there is anything he really could say. I've never felt pretty but fuck I've never loathed myself as much as I did today at the mall. It's so odd because I am not a particularly shallow person. I do not judge my friends, family, or even total strangers by the ridiculous standards I hold myself to. It's like with my friends I can say "No she's not a model but she is the kindest/smartest/funniest/etc. person I know" but for myself I see absolutely nothing positive about myself. It's pretty scary how low my self esteem has plunged.
So I got home, skipped eating lunch, napped on the couch for 2 hours with my big orange cat. Baby Haa will be spending the night at my in laws. We're going to pick her up from day care soon and take her there. Then we've decided to hit the grocery store and buy a bunch of yummy food to pig out on tonight. Much champagne will drunk. I'm trying to keep positive for now. But I really feel shitty about how I've started the last day of 2013. Here's really hoping 2014 is better for the Haa household. I can't even begin to think about resolutions. Idk, #1 on my list to keep myself alive. Fuck.