Last week was a combo-attack of shittiness and now I'm depressed again. It's the first time almost two months that I've felt this poorly, and as stressful as it is some part of me is relieved. It's unfamiliar and a little scary being resiliently happy... Some part of this relapse feels like homecoming.

First off, I'm thinking about quitting my job. The owners are dealing with some major legal problems and are making our lives hell because of it. Before it was only hell when they were in town, but now every day I arrive to work stressed out. On top of this I'm having to dip into my savings to pay my bills. I'm pretty frugal already, so having little money for things like toothpaste or contact solution and no money left for any sort of leisure activity is stressful AND removes the possibility of me indulging once in a while to relieve said stress. If they weren't screwing us over at work I'd be able to make ends meet. I'd be able to save. I like my job and want to stand in solidarity with my coworkers, but this is causing me stress migraines and that's not at all good.

Secondly, I hooked up with a female friend of mine last weekend and while it was fun all the orgasms and most of the physical pleasure was one-sided. Not for her lack of trying- I just couldn't get off, and the more frustrated I got the more I dissociated I became so I just made her the focus of the evening. At first I questioned my sexuality- no woman has ever made me cum before-but that didn't make sense as I truly savored that night and whenever I think about it I get a little hot. Then I wondered if I could only cum in the context of a relationship...but that didn't explain my orgasm problems with exGod, or how I used to to orgasm by accident simply making out with crushes in college. Then I worried that maybe Sokka was the only person who would ever be able to fulfill me sexually and otherwise which meant I was SOL since my ex/former best friend and I are no longer speaking. But after a discussion with another friend I realized that maybe my trouble with sex is {TRIGGER WARNING} the fallout from being raped three years ago. It happened on our first date. He took my virginity, he took my trust in myself, he hurt me physically and gave me an STI...and yet I went back to him twice afterward, even though he would hurt me during sex. I came with him, or at least I tried, because I didn't think he would leave me alone until I did. I thought I'd forgiven myself for that. I thought I'd put the most important parts of the work behind me...but I guess I haven't. Figuring this out brought relief and shame and frustration and fear, but on the bright side now that I have an idea of the problem I can work on it.

Thirdly, the night after I hooked up with my friend, right around the time I started freaking out about my sexual issues, my roommate admitted to me she was suicidal. She admitted she'd thought about hurting herself in the same way I had, and while I was trying to be there for her and was acting as a temporary buffer between her and her boyfriend because their issues triggered her so badly I was trying not to let her words sink in. It didn't work, and for the rest of the week it was like someone was hissing sweet suicidal nothings into my ear.

So now I've got this weight on my heart that's trying to press through to the other side. I haven't felt like this since the weather changed and they upped my meds around two months ago. The stronger part of me wants to fight this and hopes my therapy appointment on Monday will clear things up for me. The weaker part welcomes back the pain and waits for it to get worse. I've been unhappy for so long it seems like whenever I'm happy I ruin it on purpose.