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Official Groupthink NFL picks

I've done some thorough research (note: I have done no research on this) and discovered that no one else on Groupthink is publishing their random pickings as the Official Groupthink NFL Picks. Bowing to overwhelming demand (note: no one has demanded this, although I'm sure many will demand me to stop now), I've taken on the responsibility to do this. While other people on the internet base their picks on their expertise about offence, defense, and special teams, mine will be based entirely on petty biases, grudges, and — occasionally — on the probable outcome of a real world matchup between the mascots. So here we go!

Shitty Games

These games pick themselves, since no one else will:

Tampa vs. NY Jets

I kind of hope this game is broadcast locally, though I doubt it will be. I really want a chance to watch the horrific tire fire that the Jets have become.

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Kansas City vs. Jacksonville

Miami vs. Cleaveland

Minnesota vs. Detroit

Oakland vs. Indianapolis

Arizona vs. St. Louis

Houston vs. San Diego

Slightly Less Shitty Games

Baltimore vs. Denver

I want to believe in Baltimore, now that they have one less self-righteous murderer on the team, and I want to pick against Peyton Manning, but something in me just can't do it.

Tennessee vs. Steelers

Seattle vs. Carolina

Cincinnati vs. Chicago

Games that will actually be good or at least fun to hatewatch

Atlanta vs. New Orleans

Green Bay vs. San Francisco

Everyone seems to be picking the 49ers for this one, and I know I'm supposed to hate the Packers, but... well, have you looked at Clay Matthews's magical hair? How can I pick against that!

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NY Giants vs. Dallas

Philadelphia vs. Washington

The Official Ph.Dad PH,D (Pick of the Heap, Dammit) Pick of the Week of the Moment

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New England vs. Buffalo

Am I being contrarian? Yeah, a little. But look, there has to be at least one game opening week in which a superior team loses in a humiliating fashion to an inferior opponent, and that sure as hell isn't going to be the Jets game. Plus, I hate the Patriots. I would seriously pick against them even if they were playing the Christ Punchers. Also, how can I pick against Buffalo after having read about this?

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