As much as I despise Hank Williams "Maybe you could drink and smoke a little more, Hank," Jr., I feel like America's football preparedness has been in decline since his magnum opus was removed from the Monday Night Football opening. I also remember that a few years ago that the opening sequence of MNF was so mindfuckingly awesome, it looked like a summon spell from Final Fantasy VII.
Well Groupthink, I'm here to make sure that no one will ever question your football preparedness again, no matter how "rowdy" your friends are. And I will do so by picking NFL games against the spread, and I don't mean margarine.
Now, you can get NFL picks just about anywhere you go these days, but only PhDad will bring you NFL picks completely unbiased by football knowledge or common sense. Instead, my picks will be based on ignorance, petty grudges, illogical conclusions, revenge, and occasionally my cat. So let us begin
Buffalo at Chicago (-5.5)
Tennessee at Chiefs (-6.5)
Washington at Houston (-2.5)
Carolina at Tampa Bay (+1.5)
NY Football Giants at Detroit (-4.5)
San Diego at Arizona (-3.5)
It's really good of ESPN to give us such worthless matchups to start the season. Keeps our expectations reasonable
Cleveland at Pittsburgh (-5.5)
Yes, I am picking Cleveland out of a) pity and b) spite
Oakland at NY Jets (-4.5)
Jacksonville at Philadelphia (-11.5)
I'm still not totally convinced that an NFL team called the "Jacksonville Jaguars" actually exists, but businessman and mustache enthusiast Shad Khan is the man selected to portray the team's "owner," and how could I pick against that? Also, it's been a long summer and I hate the fucking Eagles, and that spread is comically large.
New England at Miami (+3.5)
Games that might actually be good
Green Bay at Seattle (-5.5)
New Orleans at Atlanta (-1.5)
Cincinnati at Baltimore (-2.5)
Minnesota at St. Louis (-6.5)
Despite the fact that Vikings Long Snapper Cullen Loeffler continues to flaunt his sexual orientation by openly marrying a person of the opposite sex, I think the media will look past the distraction to what might (but probably won't) be an interesting game.
Indianapolis at Denver (-6.5)
If Peyton is the Peyton who won me my fantasy league and not the one who only came to the Superbowl to watch Bruno Mars, this should be a fun one.
Hater's pick of the week, featuring an ideal game for hatewatching and a really hateful thing
San Francisco at Dallas (+4.5) and Adults who say "potty" to other adults, e.g. "As soon as we (i.e. a group of all adults) get home, I need to go potty"
It's nice that the bookies or the Illuminati or the RCMP or whoever picks the spread is guessing that Dallas will only lose their home opener by four points, but I have more faith in them than that. I'm guessing they'll lose much worse than that. However, I will admit to the possibility that they might manage to screw up what would otherwise be a thrilling win by losing in the stupidest way possible.