Last week's NFL games raised a lot of questions: Will Philadelphia's up-tempo offense allow them to suck faster? Will Dallas be able to win a game against a team that isn't actively trying to lose? Is there really a team in Jacksonville, or are the Jaguars simply made up by the NFL in order to balance the schedules? Will there be a game this week that ends in a 4-4 tie (I'm looking at you, Monday night game between Pittsburgh and Cincinnati)? Is the overuse of rhetorical questions a poor style choice? Am I going to make any more NFL picks? Yes.
This week's picks are brought to you by the Star Wars franchise.
Episode III Games (i.e. games you will tell yourself aren't all that shitty, at least not when you compare them to things that are shittier, but yeah, they're still pretty shitty)
NY Jets vs. New England
As much as I'd love to be contrarian and pick against the Pats....
Cleveland vs. Baltimore
St. Louis vs. Atlanta
San Diego vs. Philadelphia
Carolina vs. Buffalo
Detroit vs. Arizona
Jacksonville vs. Oakland (this is operating under the assumption that Jacksonville is real, which I am not convinced of.)
Pittsburgh vs. Cincinnati (tie)
Episode VII Games (Games that you are pretty sure are shitty, but you know you have to watch them, because maybe they'll actually be kind of good, even though they probably won't)
Washington vs. Green Bay
This one makes it only because of the lingering-Baptist loyalty I feel toward RGIII and my powerful crush on the powerful crushing of Clay Matthews and his glorious hair....
Minnesota vs. Chicag0
Tennessee vs. Houston
Miami vs. Indianapolis
FMK Luck, RGIII, and Kaepernick.
Answer: Fuck Kaepernick, because obviously; marry RGIII, because he's a good Baylor boy your momma'd be happy you brought home; and kill Luck, because he's got that perfect combination of amazing skill and utter lack of interestingness that you can only get from the Colts.
New Orleans vs. Tampa Bay
Return of the Jedi Games (i.e. Games that will be really awesome, no matter what the haters say, and what's so bad about Ewoks anyway?)
Denver vs. NY Football Giants
Okay, who has the funnier expressions, Peyton's pissed off smirk, or Eli's derp face? I swear, Eli always looks like he's trying to do really tough algebra in his head.
San Francisco vs. Seattle
I'm nowhere near the Seattle bandwagon, and I think the 49ers will be in the Superbowl again.
PhDad's Official "Party Hard, Derpface" pick of the year of the week of the day of the bee of the moth
Dallas vs. Kansas City
Last week, I picked Dallas to win, and there was some doubt. Mostly from me, to be honest: I didn't give them much of a chance. But Dallas gave the Giants lots of chances to win a game that they (the Giants) deserved to lose, and they'll probably do the same with the Chiefs.
Random non-NFL pick, things I was doing in 1995 edition
Waiting 15 minutes for nude pictures of Marina Sirtis to load vs. Transferring my Stone Temple Pilots CD to cassette tape