I'm so blitzed from a late-night grading binge that I have little confidence in my picks or my ability to be clever with my categories. I mostly hope my tiredness doesn't impact the mustache-war I seem to have been dragged into.

The picks:

Fire Bad! Bad Games bad!

Kansas City vs. Philadelphia

This game has the capability of being so-bad-that-you-think-it's-so-bad-it's-good-but-no-it's-actually-just-bad. This game will be Snakes on a Plane Bound for the Star Wars Christmas Special vs. Sharknado bad. Playing on a short week, I'm guessing that Eagles linemen will be faking injuries to slow down Chip Kelly's up-tempo offense. What's he going to do, pull their scholarship and stop letting them collect Nikes stuffed with cash? The only possible reason to turn on NFL network tomorrow night would be to see if Philly fans break the Seahawks fans' crowd noise record when they boo the fuck out of Andy Reid.

Arizona vs. New Orleans

Cleveland vs. Minnesota

Buffalo vs. NY Jets

Oakland vs. Denver

Fire neither good nor bad by itself, but good or bad depending on how it used, much like mediocre good or bad depending on how much booze you drink!

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Green Bay vs. Cincinnati

St. Louis vs. Dallas

Am I really at that point in the season already when I no longer derive any pleasure picking against Dallas? That sucks.

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San Diego vs. Tennessee

New York USFB Giants vs. Carolina

Atlanta vs. Miami

Jacksonville vs. Seattle

Chicago vs. Pittsburgh

Fire Pretty! Fire Angry!

Detroit vs. Washington

Indianapolis vs. San Francisco

As much as it fills me with shame to agree with Collin Cowherd, I think it's likely that the 49ers will be angry at themselves for losing so badly last week, and will take out their aggression on the innocent Colts. Kind of makes you wish they had a healthier way to work through their emotions.

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Ph.Dad's Pizza, Hot dogs, and Donuts Pick of the Day of the Week of the Month of the Century of the Universe of Fun

Tampa Bay vs. New England.

One of these weeks, the Pats will lose to an inferior team, and I will look like a genius.

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Random non-NFL pick, "Awful Episodes of Otherwise Great TV Series" edition

Buffy the Vampire Slayer, "Him" vs. Star Trek: Deep Space Nine, "Profit and Lace."