I was so essited in my last post that I left this part out, and I wanted to share it! Cuz it really was the moment that I was like "YES I'M KEEPING YOU FOREVER."
So first she asked me if I noticed patterns with the depression/hypomania, and I explained that yes, I have. That I am depressed for about a week, then happy/stable for about 1-2 weeks, then hypomanic for 1-2 weeks with it slowly escalating to the point of either a rage induced argument or a massive, long crying fit, sometimes lasting all day or for days. A bit later she asked how I felt about medication, and I told her honestly I didn't want it. So she asked why. I told her that mostly it was because I was afraid medication would make me sick (I had already told her that I had adverse, both mental and physical, reactions to Zoloft, Xanax, Dilantin and Trileptal). She was like "ok yeah that's completely valid, but I'm confident your psychiatrist will work with you to find a good medication that works." Then I told her that also, it's like...the bipolar has been with me for so long, that I'm afraid of losing myself. Like, what will happen when it's gone? Who will I be? She says:
What will happen when it is gone? Who will you be? You will be you. Those 1-2 weeks where you said you're stable and happy? That is where we are going to get you to be all the time. No, the bipolar will never be completely "gone." Yes, you might still experience depression and hypomania to a lesser extent. But that place, where you're happy? That's where you will be. That is who you will be. Doesn't sound so bad, does it?
Nope, it really does not sound so bad at all :)