The most recent post will self-destruct now that I am calmer. Thanks for talking me down.
Today my dad met with his oncologist for the last time, since the hospice team is taking over. People are in four times a week.
We’ve been trying to strike to right balance between managing his pain and keeping him lucid. I visited three weeks ago and he was barely awake when I was there. He’s awake more often now.
I am studying for my California teaching content exams, so I just sit next to his bed and read most of the day. He talks to me when he feels like it. I just sit and hold his hand sometimes.
My mom is always around.
I bring him food, which doesn’t get eaten. It’s really past the point of making him eat. This time last year we shucked oysters with a screwdriver, eating them at the sink. We’ve ditched the rest of the family to eat sushi regularly since I was a kid, that’s long gone. Now I am thrilled when he accepts a little pudding.
He’s 6 feet tall and 110 lbs. He’s lost 100 lbs.
He cries when he worries about my mom and my siblings. He says he isn’t afraid to die. He’s worried about everyone else.
I talk to my mom about the future, after Dad. To show her there’s a future after Dad. My husband and I are talking about talking her to Istanbul with us next year, so she can meet my in-laws. My brother-in-law and his wife are having a baby. She would have a little Turkish baby to talk to. She’s never had a passport.
My whole life my dad has soaked in the tub daily (like me, when I have a bathtub.) Now he is too weak to get in and out, and my mom helps him shower. This breaks my heart for some reason. Dad always woke up an hour earlier than he needed to soak in the tub, and that’s over.
My brother, who is on the autism spectrum and has an undiagnosed speech disorder, tells us he understands what’s happening. Then a neighbor told my mom that he said that he can’t wait until his dad feels better. I hope that he understands, and that was just some fantasy talk. I let him know that he can talk to me if he wants, but he talks to a neighbor instead. As long as he has someone.
The weirdest things make me cry and the weirdest things make me laugh. I just made a stupid “booty” joke. Conversely, a line in Dawn of the Dead made me cry. We are down to the wire.