Okay so Ive had a few burners that I’ve lost the keys for but I’ve lurked around sporadically appearing on groupthink for years. I’m good with being a lurker because I like to comment on food posts and follow the thoughts and lives of the regulars here. I really like the wide range of people here and appreciate your thoughts on subjects and you’ve helped me become a more tolerant person.
So sometime in the next month or so I will be going with my husband to a transgender support group. He’s not transgender but he thinks he may be bigender. He came out as bisexual and a cross dresser to me when we got engaged. I was the only person bed told at that point but around the time our daughter was born he came out as bisexual to our family and friends and started becoming more involved in learning what these lifestyles are. Which is when he realized it wasn’t just cross dressing but it wasn’t quite that he’s a woman.
I’m struggling. I support him and I’d be better support if he was a friend and not my husband. We’ve talked about divorce but we don’t want that. I told him that even if that happens I’ll still be around and I won’t keep our daughter from him. When I first found out about all this I thought it was just masturbatory. Now I leave the house for a few hours every week or two so I can fully dress and relieve the urge. The boundaries I’ve set up are he can paint his toenails, he can wear women’s underwear as long as he has something on over them and he can wear women’s lounge clothes (little sweatshorts) his phone case is pink and he has pink converse that he wears. I’m okay with this. My initial boundaries were stricter but as I become comfortable we reasses and I relax them. He says if it never gets more “open” than this in our home he’ll be okay. I wish I could be more open but I’m worried I’ll lose all sexual attraction to him. I married a man, I don’t want to see him in makeup and a wig. If he was my friend is have no issues. I struggle with this a lot. He resents me on some level for not being more open but a lot of that is his shame over this. He gets angry if I don’t realize it’s been awhile for him to fully dress (3 weeks is his limit) but doesn’t want to suggest to me to leave it has to be my idea. That doesn’t work for me. I have a toddler: it’s survival a lot of the time. I’ve told him he needs to tell me in advance to make plans on the weekend. We’ve talked about it a lot. He thinks he trapped me. I don’t want him to change. I love him. If I could go back in time I wouldn’t have left when he told me his truth.
Our sex life is nonexistent. But it was having trouble before he came out. Plus I breastfeed and we cosleep with our baby.
We’re going to a support group in the next month. He might go with out me first but every group has a separate support group for families and friends and then it all comes together at the end. This isn’t a secret in our lives but it’s hard to talk about. We plan to raise our daughter knowing all of this. I’m writing this here because I feel like you all might be able to give me some new things or ways to think about this. Thanks.