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Okay, universe. You win. White flag. (TW: family death)

As most of you know, I've had a pretty horrible last couple of weeks, what with my beloved old kitty passing away on Christmas Eve and the landlord from hell avoiding me (and my money).


My mom called today to inform me that my grandpa died. He was my last grandparent, and I'm utterly bereft. The real tragedy of it is how he died... As much as they can guess before the autopsy, he had a cardiac event. Got in his car to go somewhere, and passed away in his driver's seat...on Monday.

And he wasn't found until today. FOUR DAYS FUCKING LATER.

I can only be thankful that the weather's been so cold, thanks to the polar vortex, that we will still likely be able to have the open casket funeral that he wanted.


I talked to my dad, who's my grandfather's son, and he seems utterly detatched from the situation. I think he's in shock. I asked him if there was anything I could help him do - meaning with the planning and such - and he said that I could come over and help him fix their busted pipes under the house, that he was crawling around in the basement all day and repairing the water heater. Well...okay. If that's what he wants right now to help him cope, that's what I can do.

He did mention, though, that he feels extremely guilty because he lives closest to my grandfather and should've checked on him more frequently. I told him that he shouldn't feel like it's all on his shoulders, that their relationship was not always ideal, and that grandpa hadn't exactly made an effort to be too involved in our lives.


I'm NOT good with grief. I'm like a Vulcan, it's just hard for me to process most emotions. Publically, I face pretty much everything with logic and stoicism. I'm sad that he never got to see his great I grandchildren being born, as I'm his only grandchild. And I'm sad that our relationship was never want I wanted and needed it to be. I'm also extremely overwhelmed with all of the shit that's been thrown my way the last few weeks.

I feel like just giving up. Hiding in my bed I until it all goes away. I'm glad my Xanax refills tomorrow, because I have a strong feel that I (and probably my father) will probably need it. I have no clue which way is up and how I get out of this place. It's simply too much for me to process right now.

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